Yee-ha cowboys and we’re off and galloping into episode 2, is called “See”. And this time we’re down to a more standard sized 49 minute episode so I guess we can assume that extra long pilot episode was just a one off.
So what will we see this episode? Hopefully more of Tulip being intimidating and awesome and Cassidy being Irish and vampiric. And Jesse, dear sweet bad-guy turning over a new leaf, Jesse? Perhaps he’ll start figuring out that his Word of God is just a mite more powerful than it used to be. Oh, and those theme-hat wearing douches – will there be any explanation of their teabagging proclivities? Here’s hoping!
A child is in bed with her ragdoll and she doesn’t look at all well, and I’m sorry but I just can’t see button eyes on anything these days without having a bad feeling about it (thanks Neil Gaiman!). It all looks a bit old-timey, and sure enough Mama is very Little House on the Prairie looking but that shadowy figure at the foot of the bed is surely not Michael Landon. He is sent off with instructions for medicine maybe?
And, somehow I’m picking up that it’s actually 1881, but I’m not sure how I know that because it’s all done so very subtly.
And HOLY SHIT WHY DID WE JUST GET BLASTED WITH NIN-LIKE ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC. That was legit scary. Also storm clouds are gathering, there are skeletons. It’s as ominous as all get-out.
Our solitary rider is on the second day of his journey when he comes upon a group of what seem like nice people. So you just know things are going to go horribly for them. The leader of the group is quite the chatterbox and full of hope and lyrical appreciation of the land so I expect him to get worst of anybody. He wants to know if the cowboy thinks this is paradise and we finally get a look at our near mute, dark traveller…and I’m more than a wee bit delighted to find it’s Dougal (aka Graham McTavish) from Outlander! He reckons, it ain’t paradise.
Cut to, a dozen or so dead bodies hanging from a tree. Oh my God, Dougal. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? But it’s okay because it’s not the chubby faced pioneer child and family but only dead injuns *nervous laugh*, and apparently they were already there. And that, it appears, is what counts as a scenery at the entrance to the “Towne of Ratwater”. Can’t wait to read an informative brochure on that at the local i-site. And I thought Timaru was bad…
After that brutal vignette I’m ready for something a little softer and life giving and yes, Jesse Custer’s gravity defying hair will do. He is apparently re-baptising all his parishioners outside in what looks like a tin tub. And is being observed at a distance by the Bobsy Twins who seem pretty bemused about him (given that he hasn’t blown up yet, I can understand why), and was I imagining it or does one of them have an Australian accent?
Meanwhile Tulip’s turned up and wants to be saved. So she gets a dunking but it’s just so she can get close to Jesse and remind him that they have work to do. He’s still not into it but seems amused when she thanks him for getting her wet. Oho, T. I like a girl with a bawdy sense of humour.
Emily sniffs something about her but Jesse isn’t forthcoming so she goes inside to make a complete balls up of a cappuccino. Ems seems to operate a milk steamer like it’s a butter churn. Cassidy, has figured out who controls the purse strings and is trying a sob story about his sick grandmother (original!) with her for some money but she is not feeling much in the way of Christian charity towards him.
Word has reached Annville of Ted-who-cut-his-own-heart-out-in-front-of-his-mother, and my, that was strange, wasn’t it? D’ya think, Mayor? But the turnout for church is apparently better than normal, and if it weren’t for the fact that Cassidy has most likely drunk all the communion wine, well, things are looking okay.
Speaking of Cassidy, the blood (and apparently vino) drinking creature of the night has just had the jeebus scared out of him by Eugene. Because vampires have delicate sensibilities, okay? But this presents the perfect opportunity to get Arseface’s backstory, as Jesse explains that he took a shotgun to the face, trying to kill himself. Also, Jesse and Cassidy seem pretty pally (AWHHH) but Jesse’s got a job to do and can’t have any more trouble. Cassidy seems to be taking that on board but you can just tell, trouble and this guy are rarely far from each other.
Eugene and his Sheriff dad are leaving and someone calls out “murderer” at them. The sheriff wants to know who it is but Eug just wants to go, so it seems like that was aimed at him, rather than his dad so is there something more to his story? Almost certainly.
And if Jesse thought he was going to have an easy day at work he is in for a surprise because one of his flock, the school bus driver, wants to have a heart-to-heart about all of his pedo feelings. Eurgh. Jesse looks suitably disturbed by this but his official line is that as long as he doesn’t act on these urges, we’re all good, bruh *fist bump*. But actually, Jesse knows this guy is a massive risk but he can’t do anything about it, so ain’t that an awesome weight to bear. Some days it sucks being a man of the cloth.
But at least he’s allowed to have a ciggie and contemplate on his own at night, though, geez-louise that barking dog is pretty annoying. I do so wish it would be QUIET. And it is. As are the cicadas. And is it wrong I wish I could use this power on my neighbour that has been known to play Ed Sheeran with his windows open at 3am?
In daylight now, out on the road a car travels at speed, followed by two panel vans and a truck-trailer. The vans are emblazoned with Q M & P, which I expect is the Quincannon Meat and Power first seen last week. A bespectacled older man with rodent-like teeth is seated surrounded by his flunkies and workers. He addresses a couple seated opposite him and explains about the economics of his business, trailling off and losing his train of thought slightly as he thinks about butchery. Wifebeater Donnie clumsily, due to the cast on his arm, retrieves a contract from the briefcase he is carrying. Mr Quincannon, indicates where the man opposite him should sign, and he does somewhat reluctantly. And it’s not too much of an exaggeration to say that they almost demolish the house out from under him.
Out in the van afterward, Donnie, who clearly hasn’t learned the anti-violence message that Jesse was trying to teach him (admittedly by beating the crap out of him), breaks the nose of his colleague on the van steering wheel. Why? The implication is it was because said colleague (who is probably also his friend) looked at him funny earlier? Either there’s more to this or Donnie is just a deeply fucked up control-freak nightmare of a person. Given that the guys in the back of the van made a point of ignoring all this, it’s probably the second one.
Jesse and Ems are outside the local supermarket trying to get feedback and suggestions to make the church better. Ems thinks some of them are actually useful. Unless they include “no tithing”, “fewer references to God” and “stand up comedy by that hilarious Oirish Vampoire”, I’d have to say, I doubt they’d make much difference to me. But who cares, because Jesse’s just spotted the school bus going past and, oh yes, not having a pedo bus driver as part of your congregation would definitely make their church better.
He gets in his truck, maybe to follow the bus? But, oh dear, someone has stolen his steering wheel. And by some odd quirk of chance, here’s Tulip pulling up alongside, just loving his predicament.
“What’s the matter, Preacher? Jesus take your wheel?” – Holy shit, CARRIE UNDERWOOD REFERENCE. This show has everything, y’all.
Tulip pulls away, claiming she’s a new woman since she’s been saved now, and we see the steering wheel – trussed up at the very top of a streetlight. How the hell did she get it all the way up there?
Jesse somehow gets it down, and heads home to the church where his dutiful mrs, Cassidy awaits on the doorstep, waves a bottle at him and tells him his dinner’s getting cold. It’s like Mad Men but if Betty Draper were, well, Cassidy.
Jesse and Cassidy scenes are fast becoming my favourites and this is no exception. They’re just two guys debating God and what it means to have a purpose, being a 119 year old vampire from Dublin with religious vigilantes on your tail… and also The Big Lebowski, which Cassidy claims is overrated (and I tend to agree with him).
Cassidy lets Jesse have a swig from his toxic rocket fuel hip flask which has the effect of a) Jesse admitting he actually likes The Big Lebowski and b) dropping him flat within seconds. Cassidy, who almost certainly planned this, goes through Jesse’s pockets and exits stage left. He takes off in Jesse’s truck bound for who knows where.
At the Sundowner Motel, the taller of the Bobsy Twins scares the crap out of housekeeping before the two of them roll out, in slow-mo, with a large steamer trunk. Not long after that they are at the church, looking at one very snorey Jesse Custer, and we get a look at some amorphous, screechy entity that sits deep within. It’s all very “opening credits of Orphan Black” looking.
They lay Jesse out and crank up a positively steampunk piece of machinery, placing what looks like an old tin can on Jesse’s chest. It plays a jangly kind of music and the shorter, bearded one in what is a decidedly creaky cockney accent sings a nursery rhyme that I remember from a book I used to read as a child, about three characters called Winken, Blinken and Nod who sail in a boat into a dreamy sea. It’s a rather sweet little story, but utterly weird and bizarre in this context.
Whatever they’re trying to do, it hasn’t worked but fortunately they have plan B which is a chainsaw. And crikey, Jesse must really be out because that is a chainsaw going right next to his head. I’d like to say I’ve never been that drunk before but well…
Speaking of drunks, here’s Cassidy to save the day! He’s misinterpreted the situation and “corrects” the Bobsy Twins that it’s him they’re after. So Dick Van Dyke* blows a hole in him. When he goes over to finish the job, Cassidy bites him in the ankle, and a VERY gory fight ensues that involves, dismemberment by chainsaw, and Cassidy bludgeoning Dick to death with a bible (bible basher!). Also, there is a runaway chainsaw that nearly munches the padre before Cassidy grabs it. It was fantastic.
“Like I said, padre. No trouble”
Oh Cassidy. You slay me… and everyone.
Our next locale is a new one, the Toadvine Whorehouse (is it the best little one in Texas, though?). Welp, it’s got an arcade game, a bunch of Q M & P workers (including one with a broken nose), at least one furry, and gambling, the last of which Tulip is cleaning up at. Priscilla Jean is known to the proprietor, though she doesn’t seem 100% comfortable with the nature of the business that’s taking place. Like she’s worked there before, maybe, and knows what it’s like? Anyhoo, the Madam enquires after Uncle Walter, Tulip replies honestly about his passed out condition, and takes exception to the amused response some of some jerk in the background so tells a brutal story of her Uncle’s alcoholism that includes him driving straight into a petting zoo killing two children and a horse. But ha ha, got you, it’s just a joke. So consider the mood lightened, eh?
She gets a call from someone called Danny, and plans are coming along nicely. She asks Mosie the Madam if she can have a room for the night, and goes back to cleaning out the wallets of the assembled gentlemen (I use the term loosely).
Back at the church, it’s the five second rule and then some for Cassidy who is slurping gore up off the floor like his life depends on it, which considering the gunshot wound etc., it probably does. Still…bit of a mess to clean up, so after he’s healed a bit he grabs the chainsaw and gets to it. Steamer trunk full of Bobsy bits, all he needs is a shovel, a bit of ground to bury it in and… oh for the love of… it’s morning isn’t it? Shite.
He sits down and, geez this show has some great cinematography. As an actual Irish person I knew once said “Look at that view. You couldn’t beat dat with a stick. A great big stick with spikes and shite on the end of it.**”
By the way, is it significant that there appear to be heavenly objects falling from the sky or are they just shooting stars? Hmm.
Welp, we don’t know exactly what happened but Jesse is woken, on the floor, by a loving kick from Emily. She’s brought a casserole for him to take to his appointment, and does it smell like something died in here (YES), and Jesse really does like to live dangerously because he implies that it’s from her casserole.
Also Ems is on his case again about Cassidy who doesn’t really do anything and sleeps all day and is a total third wheel, Jesse, when we could be having forbidden holy place-defiling relations in the pulpit even though you just insulted my cooking. But Jesse Custer has no time for this because of his appointment, er, who was it with again?
Turns out it’s at the home of the Loaches where their young, pretty daughter lies in a coma or some kind of persistent vegetative state. Jesse does his best ministering, offering hope and the light of the Lord, but Momma Loach isn’t having a bar of it. Her reality involves not just keeping her daughter updated on the latest season of The Bachelor (never wake up, child. There is nothing for you here) but also adult diapers. So sweet words don’t have much value to her. And she whips off the wig and her daughter’s head looks like a half eaten boiled egg.
Jesse knows she’s right too. Leaving the Loach home, he sees the school bus go by again and you know he’s not going to be able to leave that alone…
The next time we see him Jesse is driving along at night. He sees something on the road ahead so gets out for a closer look. Whatever it is, it’s not as ominous as the music has made it out to be, and Jesse launches into a pissed off “Chrissake”… before he gets tasered in the neck and I suspect it’s not by someone who just has no tolerance for taking the Lord’s name in vain.
Jesse comes to in what I hope is Emily’s sex dungeon, but no, despite the fact he’s chained to a bed, it’s actually Tulip’s (sex) dungeon. Apparently the object on the road was a babyseat. And that crazy Princess Leia dressed as a bounty hunter helmet she had on is not funny. Though, yes, they were once into a bit of role play. Yay?
Tulip’s on about this job again. She’s trading the map she has to Danny for some “very innerestin’ information”, but Jesse’s not biting. Tulip, now she has her man captive, takes a seat on his lap and tells him half sexy, half scary that bad Jesse Custer’s still there and he’ll be back eventually. So she’s gonna ask, over and over again until he finally says yes. Oh, and that chain around his ankle isn’t even attached to the bed, so leave anytime you like, Bucko. Tulip is a Piece Of Work, mesdames et monsieurs. Also, I can’t help feeling this was a metaphor for free will. Maybe.
Jesse returns home and is attempting to hacksaw through the chain that’s still locked to his ankle when Eugene comes by. Jess is kind of annoyed to have him there but tries really hard to be nice because this kid is a sweetheart. But he’s concerned that his baptism didn’t really “take”. He can’t hear God still. Nothing has changed.
Jesse tells him that he’s just got to keep trying. But Eugene wonders if he’ll ever change. He’s always the same. Does the preacher get what he means? Oh yes, he most certainly does.
Jesse decides to stop in on another parishioner who happens to have a school bus parked up at his house. He breaks in and finds the bus driver in the bathroom about to floss his teeth but instead of dental hygiene he gets his clock cleaned. Jesse tells him to forget about “her”, the child on the bus he’s obsessed with, and casually starts the tub running before carefully taking off his jacket and hanging it up.
Pedo bus driver starts babbling excuses, he’s addicted, it’s not his fault, he’ll try harder. Also, he’s repentant. But Jesse’s going to baptise him properly this time in a tub of steaming hot water and with less forgiveness, more waterboarding. Even with this treatment pedo bus driver claims he can’t forget his obsession.
Then a beast speaks from Jesse’s mouth “FORGET HER”, and they are both terrified by it. Pedo bus driver is confused, doesn’t understand who “her” is anymore and want’s to know “what’d you do to my brain?” Jesse grabs his jacket and gets the hell out, all his composure gone.
Elsewhere, Cassidy has found his spot and is digging a nice wee hole for his steamer trunk full of Bobsy Twin bits.
Except… the sheriff is currently “interviewing” someone and, well stick a ten gallon hat on me and call me Tex, it’s the Twins who are claiming to be from the “Guvmint”. Whaaaaat?
Jesse makes an early morning visit to the Loach residence and wants to sit and pray with the Loach girl. Mama Loach isn’t too thrilled but she doesn’t turn him away either. He sits at the edge of the bed, and has he figured it out yet? His power? He has. He’s trying it out.
OPEN. YOUR. EYES.
And…credits.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that awakening someone with half their skull caved in is a very wise move. I mean, at least she’s peaceful. I can’t help thinking this, like every genie’s wish ever granted, is going to come with fish hooks. I guess we’ll SEE.
So Jesse is starting to see who he is and what he has in this episode. Can it be long before other’s notice?
*Dick van Dyke, aka performer of the worst cockney accent every committed to film.
**I’m not even kidding, she seriously did say that to me about an admittedly quite lovely view.