Television commercials are often terrible so I probably shouldn’t be so affronted when I come across one that’s weirdly tone-deaf and bewildering in its creepiness. But what can I say, I hope for a world in which women don’t have to express romantic desires towards building materials in order for us all to forget about that leaky building issue.
James Hardie is the company in question and they want you to know that their cladding is the stuff of Catherine Cookson novels. You won’t just love it, you’ll lurve it. Like, lean your lithe frame up against it and pledge lifelong fidelity to it. Run your fingers along the long, hard, weatherboard, breathless as you recall the first time you laid eyes on …THE ONE.
Except it’s cladding. I can accept the metaphor of wanting to have a long, happy relationship with something strong and stylish…but calling it “he” is stretching the concept further than anyone is really comfortable with. We have weatherboards on our house. I have mysteriously always considered them gender-neutral, what with them being FUCKING WEATHERBOARDS.
When I see this advert featuring an attractive blonde describing her “relationship” with her James Hardie cladding… it puts me in a mind of people who have sexual relationships with their cars, or that woman who is “in love” with the Eiffel Tower. And I’m pretty sure that’s not the mental image they were hoping to conjure up.
Fortunately, this advert no longer aggravates me since my fiancé pointed out that the only problem with having a loving, committed relationship with your weatherboards… is all the splinters in your vagina.
This is a notion that makes me very amused indeed, and I simply think this happy thought when the advert is on and whisper “splinter-vag” in the direction of the television. I encourage you to do the same.