This episode opens with our usual thoughtful plinky-plonk piano music and Art running on a beach. Art is very big on beach running. It would actually be much better if they just subbed in the ‘Chariots of Fire’ theme for these opening bits, I feel.
But anyway, he’s ditching the “adventurous” genre of dates for now and going full romance. Hang on to your knickers, ladies. Mr Green means business!
As always, any Bachelorettes reading this should first refer to my “disclaimer”.
We’re at Oestrogen Manor and Mike has a date card, date card! Party time. Excellent!
And it comes with a box that obviously has a dress in it.
Really?
I am really not a fan of the whole “come out on a date with me WEARING AN OUTFIT I PICKED OUT FOR YOU” thing. It’s SUPER creepy. It is not romantic to have a suitor dress you up like a giant Barbie. At all. Mostly because most adult women are good at picking out their own clothes that they feel comfortable in and wearing those, thanks. Jesus.
Given that all the Bachelorettes seem to be wearing clothes that are provided to them anyway it does make it slightly less weird but I’m worried that people think this is something to aspire to, romantically. It’s not. Fuck off with that Pygmalion-crafting-a-woman-into-your-ideal bullshit. The only man I ever want dressing me is Tim Gunn and we will definitely not be snogging as a result. LOVE YOU, TIM.
Amanda reads out the card “however you slice it you’ll always shine”. There is speculation about cooking and/or diamonds.
This time Chrystal is being given one on one time with the affable Arthur. She immediately busts out a booty shaking dance and yelps “how do you like those apples!”
Chrystal is the only one who is happy about this. Amanda compares her to a member of the big cat family (BINGO).
Because Chrystal is so terrible she will likely cast some kind of witchy spell on Art, he’ll fall in love with her, and mermaid Ariel will never regain her voice and will become a bubble floating lonely, on the ocean, forever. But probably they’ll flirt with each other, have a snog, and then in the next episode he’ll be dating someone else. The degree to which people hate Chrystal you would think she actually was an evil witch rather than a-slightly-more-assertive-than-usual-by-the-standards-of-this-show-human-woman. But I’ll shut up now because everyone already knows I’m “Team Chrystal”.
OMG. TORSO! It feels sooo long since we’ve seen Art with his shirt off it took me completely by surprise. I thought for a minute I might have hallucinated it. But there it was, harbourside, being dark and mysterious.
The first portion of the date is a sushi masterclass. *yawn*
There’s a bit of flirty apron-string tying etc. and they seem pretty keen on each other. Chrystal looks more relaxed and happy than we’ve seen her before so I think it’s clear she’s much happier hanging with Art than she is with the other Bachelorettes.
At Oestrogen Manor the speculation runs rife. Matilda states categorically that if Chrystal comes back with a diamond she WILL DIE. Meanwhile Alysha, Amanda, and Kristie discuss the different sides to Chrystal’s personality. When she’s with them one on one she’s really nice but when she’s in a group situation she says nasty things. What’s it all about? Hmmmm. What is it about the group situation that sets Chrystal off? Could it be the competitive element perhaps? Dur.
Back at the sushi class it’s still…just a bit dull. They’re getting on okay but there’s only so much excitement that you can extract from sushi.
For the next part of the date “Arthur” has “organised” for he and Chrystal to have the Auckland Museum to themselves for the evening. In addition to “buying” her a dress that has clearly been provided by a sponsor he has also “bought” her some jewellery that is also provided by a sponsor. That’s a whole lot of scare quotes in a short passage and I know I’m supposed to just let these tiny lies wash over me but they do really grate on me.
Although I do really love that they’re standing in front of a massive shark. Because nothing says romance like a coldblooded killing machine.
Needless to say Chrystal is very pleased with this turn of events. They wander down a marbled hallway together with cocktails in hand, looking very much like a Dolce & Gabanna fragance advertisement, and look down on the foyer which has a dinner table and the sushi they made earlier. Again, it’s a very big “movie romance” set piece and Chrystal is suitably impressed.
The dinner is a bit stilted to start with and Art says he can’t quite “get a gauge” on Chrystal. Sometimes she seems genuine, other times not. Chrystal admits that the other girls think she’s mean because she speaks her mind rather than bitching behind their backs (YES). Arthur asks if she thinks some of the other girls are intimidated by her and she says she’s not sure but it’s not really any of her concern (YES). Chrystal really doesn’t care what the other girls think of her and this is where her power comes from. Or it’s from the blood of virgins. Who knows, really?
Arthur admits what we already know. HE THINKS SHE’S SUPER HOT. For a few seconds when he’s describing the moment he first saw her he has all the suave sophistication of a fourteen year-old who just saw the teacher bend over and got his first view of cleavage. He’s like Adrian Mole in designer stubble.
To cap off the evening Art takes Chrystal up to the roof of the museum. This affords them some stunning views of the city. There they stare into each other’s eyes, the music swells and it’s smooch time.
And then Chrystal says…
I have to be honest. I shrieked so loudly at this point that my fiancé asked me what on earth was happening. And he has ZERO INTEREST in this show.
This moment perfectly illustrates why I dig Chrystal. She knows what she wants and she asks for it. I bet she hasn’t had bad sex in years. I mean, sure, they’d only been going at it for a second or so, so maybe she could have just waited a little before issuing instructions but, hey, who’s she hurting? And to be honest I think Art was probably a bit intimidated by her and needed the encouragement.
There is a lot more kissing after that. They seem to be really enjoying all that kissing. Yup, I am still finding it awkward watching all the smooching. Not gonna lie.
Unsurprisingly Arthur darts off to get a rose for Chrystal aaaaand… there we go with the kissing again.
Next day at Oestrogen Manor, Shivani is questioned on when Chrystal got in, so I guess they share a room. Shivani says it was about 1am. On cue Chrystal emerges with rose in tow. She is positively radiating “a hot boy likes me” vibe. Kristie expresses some frustration at not having time with Arthur and Shivani reflects that these dates must be amazing because everyone comes back from one all goofy and happy (my words, not hers). Carissa asks about Chrystal’s earrings and this prompts more priceless Dani facials.
Meanwhile Matilda admits she’s a dead woman walking because she said if Chrystal got a diamond she’d die. In fact Chrystal got TWO diamonds so she must therefore die twice. RIP Matilda. So young and so vital. Gone too soon. *sobs*
Matilda’s metaphorical death might be bad but everybody else is pretty unhappy too. Chrystal’s description of The Kiss (which conveniently leaves out her, um, instructional interjection) has everyone green with envy. As it’s supposed to. Because that’s the point of this show.
But before long t’s group date day and Poppy is reading out the date card which says “put your best foot forward”. So they all think it’s got to be dancing-related but we already know from the promos that it’s a photoshoot. Because the only kind of reality show more engineered to extract entertainment from women competing and feeling insecure about themselves is a modelling show. BOOM! Chuck them together.
Going on the date will be…everyone!
They turn up to The Winter Garden in Auckland’s Domain and Mike tells them they’ll be catwalk modelling. Dani is unimpressed with this but for once is outdone in terms of facials (and comedy dance moves) by Poppy who does an impromptu “Vogue”.
Danielle, who is an accordion playing barrister, feels her strengths lie in areas other than catwalk modelling. Which is no doubt true. But off you pop into a pair of togs there, missy. The prize is to have a one on one photoshoot with Art and Dani WANTS DAT. But apparently Chrystal does model so she’s got an advantage (and legs up to Alysha’s head, apparently).
Art says this challenge is a really good opportunity to see tits. Sorry, legs. No, midriff. Um, actually, to see who is “confident” and “not afraid to have a laugh at themselves”. Yeaaah, that’s it. Bring on the “confidence”.
Art stands at the end of the “runway” with Mike and the photographer and gets a really good view of their “personalities”. Art is impressed with Natalie and expresses surprise that someone from a male-dominated background that’s “rough and tumble” can come out and be elegant. Because every other time that he’s seen her in a cocktail dress she’s been trying to get the other girls into a tight-five or putting in fenceposts in the mansion gardens. Or something.
Dani has it both ways for her runway turn, doing modelly poses but then mixing it up with a peace sign-crossed eyes combo. It’s Blue Steel turned up to 11. Art seems amused and she’s basically wearing undies so that doesn’t hurt.
Now that the beachwear round is over, there’s an eveningwear parade with dresses that “Arthur” has picked out for them. But do we really think so? Because I don’t. And he’s “curious to see how they’ll handle the wardrobe change”.
Beg pardon? Um, that sounds…weird and wrong. Like, I think they’ll probably handle it in much the same way they handle changing clothes the rest of the time. If they need help with a zip or something, I’m sure you’ll be at the top of the list.
Fake drama alert! Dani is wearing a wedding gown. My word, that’s subtle. Brigette wonders why she gets to wear that and nobody else does? For the purpose of amping up jealousies, Briggie. OF COURSE.
Meanwhile I want to know why is no one using “Girls on Film” as the backing track for this segment? Oh, alright. I’ll have to just do it in my own head instead.
Let’s just take a moment to remember how aggressively sexual the uncensored music video for that song was.
ROWRRRR!
Kristie, in usual Kristie-competitive fashion does a series of awkward looking, rehearsed poses. Art thinks Poppy looks dazzling in her gown whereas she “feels like a walking orange sausage”. Dani’s bridal appearance definitely makes an impression and just in case he wasn’t taking the incredibly subtle hint she does a big old “look at my ring” pose. Got that, Art? Dani = BRIDE. B. R. I. D. E. BUH-RIDE. Good boy.
And at the end of the “show”, surprise, surprise he picks Dani, but he thinks Natalie was great too and she gets a rose which actually is something of a surprise, at least to her.
Chrystal, to camera, says that she doesn’t think Dani and Art really “suit” but then, Dani feels more or less the same way about her, so…yeah.
At the photoshoot, Art and Dani are told to stare at each other by the photographer and Art compliments Dani on her “really good eye control”. Is he effing kidding? Dani has the maddest eyes of anyone in this show. Unless he’s talking about her ability to go cross-eyed at will during her catwalk pose. Actually maybe he is. That’s the only thing that makes even minimal sense. Also, Art is all “Ohmigosh what if we get married some day? Will it be exactly like this?” Far out, he IS a sap. Thank god for the dimples is all I can say. And then there is more kissing. Yaaaaaay. And then Art gives Dani a rose which means, you guessed it, more kissing.
And then some MORE kissing.
Thank God it’s the cocktail party next. We should be safe from snogs during that, at least.
Aha! But there is intrigue afoot. It is decided that none of the ladies will pursue Arthur tonight. They will only receive his attentions if he wishes to bestow them. This is referred to as “The Boycott”. So it’s basically like what most countries did to South Africa during Apartheid except without there being any humanitarian aspect. And also it’s straight out of the etiquette of Downton Abbey, the first season, when they were still Edwardian.
Arthur invites Danielle away for a chat and there’s an extended padlock/open book metaphor that makes me think she hasn’t had sex in a while. Could be wrong. That’s just how I’m reading it.
In a quiet corner Chrystal eggs Amanda on to interrupt and break The Boycott. Chrystal has a rose so she’s not bothered but if she didn’t she’d be breaking that boycott like, um, we did with all those rugby tours we were involved in. So over Amanda goes with all the eyes of judgement upon her. Amanda reveals The Boycott to Arthur during their chat.
When he returns to the party he tells the ladies he’s heard there is a boycott with prompts Alysha to say it’s not really a boycott (then why call it a “boycott”?). It’s just to let Arthur talk to whomever he wants to. So he takes the hint and asks Poppy for a chat.
Art asks Poppy how she’s feeling and if she still feels he’s the right sort of person for her and she does so there’s hand touching and hugging as a result. It’s about now that the whole “juggling multiple women” thing with The Bachelor is starting to feel kind of weird.
Next we see him approach Danielle, take her off to the side and then go and fetch a rose for her. Then off he goes again, this time to find Matilda. He is a busy boy. It seems Matilda was the main instigator of The Boycott but Art’s not bothered because it GAVE HIM ALL THE POWER so why would he be? *eye roll*
And before you know it Mike is there to escort Art away to his thinking place for some…thinking. Pre-Rose Ceremony worrying results in Chrystal claiming to have a ball made of herself because her predictions are never wrong and Kristie is going home. So there.
Going into the Rose Ceremony Dani, Chrystal, Natalie and Danielle each have roses.
Poppy gets the first rose, followed by Amanda, Carrisa, Brigette, Alysha, and Matilda. This leaves Shivani and Kristie.
Kristie gets the rose and Shivani is leaving.
Shivani seems fairly sad to be leaving and admits to being kind of guarded but hopes there’s someone out there for her.
Also Chrystal is not clairvoyant after all (fetch that woman more virgin blood, pronto!)