Recap: The Bachelor Episode 5

Before we dive into the latest episode’s shenanigans I must address an issue that’s come up in the last week or so, namely that several bachelorettes have started reading these recaps.

I know.

I mean, I don’t know if you recall but last week I was pretty harsh on Dani, and then this happened.

@MoataTamaira eeeep that was rough! Hopefully I can change your mind next week 🙂 xx

— Dani Robinson (@dani_robbo) March 26, 2015

This puts me in somewhat of an awkward position because when I decided to do this it was always with the intention that high levels of snark be involved. The targets of said snark are variously, the show format, the host, the bachelor and yes, the contestants. And I hadn’t really considered that any of them would bother to read a Bachelor Recap since, I don’t know, they were there? They don’t really need a recap? But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve got a Google Alert set for my name just like everyone else.

So in acknowledgement of this I have prepared the following disclaimer –

Dear Bachelorette,

Thanks for visiting my website and reading this ‘The Bachelor’ episode recap. Should you read further you may find that I have made negative comments on or criticised your; behaviour, grammar, rapping skills, golf swing, facial expressions, emotional state, personality, driving skills, lipstick, comic timing and manners. I may also use words to describe you like “douchey”, “bitchy”, or “annoying”. If this is likely to make you drink too much Lindauer™, then please feel free to stop reading.

Should you read on, you should bear in mind that all snark is directed, not at the real you, but at the character you play on television which is not you but an edited version of you in a highly artificial environment. You’re probably a terrific person in real life but I can only comment on what I’m shown via a heavily edited, not at all real, reality television show. It’s basically all I have to go on.

So I will be keeping up with the snark because otherwise I’m just writing nice things about ‘The Bachelor’ and why the fuck would I bother with that? I find the show painful enough, if I have to be nice about it I may as well stop watching.

That out of the way, let’s crack on with this episode because last week’s teasers showed us that firearms were involved and I’m on the edge of my seat to see if someone gets a cap popped in their ass, yo.

We open, of course with the usual last week montage followed by this week montage and then it’s straight into Art wearing hipster glasses at a computer. What? Booooring. Traditionally this is where we get to see him semi-clad or doing something sporty in a tank top. But soon enough he’s showing off the GUNS and grabbing a kayak. That’s more like it.

Inside at the mansion Mike turns up so you know that means it’s date card time! Chrystal reads it out “Love’s an adventure. Love an adventure” and then she totally fakes everyone out by claiming she’s the one going on it. Little minx. But akshully it’s Dani. She looks pretty pleased. What? No sex doll face, Dani? Disappoint.

Dani goes for a drive and meets Art standing in front of a helicopter and she is pretty happy with both of those things.

Inside the bellypopper we get a nice close up of them holding hands and to camera Art says that this is “really nice” and he has a stupid “I’m a fourth former and I like a pretty girl” look on his face when he’s saying it. I want to hate this guy but he’s kind of too benign to get worked up about.

Art is amazed that someone who grew up in Auckland has never been to Waiheke Island, so I’m guessing he doesn’t mix with many working class folks from Otara, then. There’s an incredible looking zip-line over a vineyard and crikey, that groin harness looks a bit, er, bunchy, Artie. Dani manages to beat him to the end. And then they’re fooling about, balancing on wooden pedestal things and my word, this is all very, very fourth form camp flirty.

They do another zip-line and this time they definitely want to make it a race but Dani starts early (and claims that this is not cheating when clearly it is cheating).

They then do a little bush walk and Art tells Dani useful facts about the native flora (in his groin), no, sorry actual native plants of the forest. Dani couldn’t give a toss, employing the universal and time honoured phrase used by women on first dates everywhere, “that is sooo interesting”.

Back at The Bachelor Home For Wayward Spinsters, Natalie, Hayley and Carissa are gossiping/pimping Revlon for all they’re worth speculating on how much Dani and Art might like each other. It’s a completely pointless scene content-wise and clearly just an extension of the ad break that follows.

Back to the date and our couple are at Cable Bay Vineyards and enjoy a lovely picnic on a red blanket. Dani enquires about his 5 year plan. What does he like in a girl? And there’s an awful lot of reclining, a bit of leg touching and, of course, wine. I’m pretty sure that’s how 80% of unplanned pregnancies start, so, um, let’s be safe, yes?

Art compliments Dani on being so much more than just a “blonde bombshell” which I sort of feel like is code for “you’re blonde and pretty but not a complete moron like I expected”? Dani admits to feeling faint during Rose Ceremonies, because ladies are delicate creatures prone to having the vapours and whatnot.

Then Art darts off and fetches her a rose to save her from swooning at the next ceremony (so gallant!). After a lot of staring he says he wants to kiss her and she’s all FUCK YES! And, aaaaahhhh, I can’t believe I’m watching two people share their first pash with each other. I really wanted to look away and then I didn’t. I feel super awkward and voyeuristic and how can this be actual legit entertainment? What the fuck is wrong with us, society? And it’s only made worse by how glowy and dimpled and happy they each are in their pieces to camera. Art describes it as “electric”. Yuck.

He says “you’re lovely” in a really dopey, smitten kind of voice. Eurgh. I mean, it’s sweet but kind of unbearable too. The lovey dovey stuff is fine if you’re one of the participants but there are reasons we mock people who commit the sin of the PDA. It’s because no one really wants to see that shit. It being on TV doesn’t really make it better.

Dani returns to Oestrogen Manor and there seems to be a consensus that she may have got The Kiss but she arrives with no rose in hand and a pretend sad face but then IN YOUR FACE, BEEARCHES, she whips out a rose from the waistband of her skirt so they each take turns beating her to death with it. In their minds.

Dani is very excited about the date so is completely oblivious to the baleful stares she’s receiving as she goes into detail about where they went and so on.

Naturally she’s questioned about smooching and confirms that yes, there was lip-lockage. CHEEV!

There are a lot of pained smiles. Only Brigette has the guts to do a jokey “BOOOOO” at her.

“First kiss of the girls” proclaims Poppy, thereby implying that there have been kisses previously, just not with the ladies and this is why Mike Puru looks so pleased with himself all the time. That little hussy.

Matilda thinks it’s a leeetle bit unclassy to kiss and tell and if she’d had a snog SHE wouldn’t be bragging about it. Meanwhile Poppy just flat out does not want to know about any of that stuff. She’s like a dude and someone just mentioned the word “period”.

Next everyone is casually gathered together outside so it must be time to find out who is going on the group date. Carissa reads the card which says “Aim high. Shoot straight. Can’t miss.”

Everyone seems to think it must be archery. The attendees will be Matilda, Shivani, Brigette, Kristie, Danielle, Poppy, Natalie, Amanda, Hayley (happiness, butterflies, rainbows!) aaaand Carissa. Leaving just Alysha and Chrystal at home to mind the manor/go through everyone’s things while they’re gone.

Alysha claims, due to the large number of women attending, that she’s “happy to sit this one out”. Bullshit.

So they’re at Waiheke Island again. The ladies are going to be competing at laser clay shooting…wait, does that mean there are no live rounds? That is both a) smart and b) disappointing. No caps being popped at all let alone in someone’s ass. Sad face. But the winner gets an Arthury archery lesson. Woooo!

Hayley would love? To get an archery date? With Arthur? Because she still hasn’t had much time with him? Crikey, I think they’re gonna have to rename it “Hayley Rising Terminal”, amirite, linguists? Eh, eh?

Holy crap, Kristie is just a sinewy forearm away from being a serious fucking badass.

Pull! Well, yes, if you’d fancy it, Arthur. Ohhhh, you mean the clay pigeon wotsits. Yup, okay.

Kristie, much like the rally driving last week, is a stand-out taking the lead straight away. Brigette, also much like the rally driving is using her tried and true strategy of “winging it” with the usual success. Shivani is so diminutive she looks like she’s holding a crane rather than a shotgun.

Kristie is gutted as Hayley wins, but there’s another (on) heat so she hasn’t won the archery lesson yet. Next Natalie, Carrisa, Matilda, Poppy and Amanda line up. After two rounds Carissa is the only one with enough points to potentially beat Hayley’s score (bring on the tense-making music). She misses out and dark horse Hayley heads off all aquiver (geddit?) with Arthur.

It turns out archery is the perfect getting-to-know-you sport for TV, especially with Arthurs GUNS. These are being admired from a distance (but not that great a distance) by Matilda and Amanda. Matilda says to Amanda that it’s a little bit weird watching someone else’s one-on-one time with Arthur since they’ve had full one-on-one time with him. Matilda seems to like making distinctions between who is “up there” in her perceived Bachelorette rankings and who isn’t on the same tier as she is. I guess it’s just her way of trying to shore up her self-confidence in an environment that is constantly eating away at it.

Arthur and Hayley look like they’re having fun and Hayley seems like a bit of Katniss Everdeen natural at this shooting malarkey but there’s not a lot of chemistry going on and she doesn’t get a rose. Carrisa points out that she’s the first girl who hasn’t after a one on one mini-date. Not hugely surprising and this may mean she’s for the chop…unless she’s got a cute rap about bows and arrows up her sleeve?

Cute rap about bows and arrows

Yo, yo, yo, love be makin’ me stupid

Who drew my bow? Well boy, you did

My heart is all aquiver

From the bullseyes you deliver

You’re firin’ arrows like cupid

Anyone for Lindauer™? It’s cocktail time and apparently everyone really does have to drink out of those godawful red champagne flutes. Why? They look like something you’d buy for your trashy cousin at the $2 shop.

Anyway, Matilda is wearing an AMAZING red dress that I MUST HAVE. And she’s going to “pounce” on Art tonight. Carrisa encourages her to “climb him like a tree”. Holy shit, Carrisa. Why do we not hear more from you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.

Chrystal, who was probably 95 percent of the last episode, declares that she’s going to be nice at this party and suddenly huge urine stains emerge on the front of everyone’s gown as they literally piss themselves laughing. Maybe not, but let’s say there is healthy skepticism, and Matilda issues a “as long as you don’t mess with my 7-10 minutes of Arthur time do what you like” edict. But Chrystal is welcome to join “The Nice Club” if she wants to (implication – Matilda is “nice”) so Mattie is winning the Passive-Aggressive Award so far this week.

Arthur arrives and doesn’t exactly compliment Poppy’s hair so much as enquire as to it’s authenticity but then moves on to the other group. Poppy seems visibly deflated. Oh, Poppy.

Dani is giving great facials again as Art joins the group. It’s like she’s starving and Art is a massive cheesecake on legs. SHE WANT DAT.

Chrystal makes an early move and tells Arthur he should take her for a walk. Dani’s face, again, is a picture (and the sound effects are very “someone just got gorily stabbed in a horror movie” so, yeah). Dani thinks Chrystal is being “a little bit possessive”, yet again projecting her own feelings onto somebody else.

To camera Art admits he can tell there’s some tension between Dani and Chrystal so we know he’s not a complete idiot.

Back at the group the girls discuss who should interrupt Chrystal because someone needs to, goshdarnit, as a public service. Natalie says she will grow up to be spoiled if she gets her way all the time (or words to that effect).

HEY, DUMBARSES, CHRYSTAL GETS WHAT SHE WANTS WHEN SHE ASKS NICELY FOR IT. YOU COULD DO THAT TOO IF YOU HAD A GRAM OF INITIATIVE/CONFIDENCE.

Jesus H Christ, what is this, the fucking 1950s?

Meanwhile Art is asking Chrystal about her dating history. *gets popcorn* This should be good.

“You’ve had a…few?” says Art, in a voice that says “I’m trying really hard not to call you a slut so help me out here”. Chrystal demures with “the past is the past” and a wave of the hand, which is all very well except this is reality TV and that kind of vagueness doesn’t really fly here. But she is friends with all her exes.

Does she want to have children and suchlike? Yes, and she’d like to have a clutch of sprogged up friends to share fun family events with. Oh, and she’d like to go to India and help out at an orphanage? This is a completely different Chrystal to the one that we’ve seen previously. She’s very warm and smiley and nice. Is she putting on a show for Art, OR are the producers literally putting on a show for us? We definitely know the last one is true. So there is that.

Meanwhile the others are still trying to decide who should interrupt. Matilda is up so her red dress walks over to where Art and Chrystal are reclining.

Matilda asks if she can interrupt, if that’s okay? Why are these women always asking? Just rock up, plonk yourself down and join in the conversation.

Chrystal says it’s up to Art. She’s being “nice”. But Art doesn’t say what he wants to do until Chrystal says that it’s fine with her. So basically he let her decide for him. Chrystal then says she doesn’t want to leave her seat as she’s quite comfortable (this is a subtle statement of power, to be sure, but she’s giving up the main prize so whatevs) so Art gets up and leaves with Matilda telling Chrystal he’ll talk to her later.

To camera, Matilda declares Chrystal’s trial with “The Nice Club” a failure. Because….? Matilda’s definition of “nice” is frankly a mystery to me and bollocks to being in that club. It sounds boring as faaaaaark.

Meanwhile Chrystal seems to agree with me in her piece to cam as she declares the cocktail parties to be as boring as ever.

“One man. Thirteen girls. I’m about to scratch my eyes out”. So basically “too many tits on the dance floor”. Fair enough.

Everyone observes Matilda’s removal of Art from Chrystal’s “clutches” and she-devil returns to the main titfest/party looking a bit subdued. Amanda digs for info on their chat and Chrystal reluctantly and somewhat vaguely sketches it out. In her piece to camera, Natalie declares in a thoroughly rehearsed sounding quip that “there’s so many different types of Chrystal it’s a chandalier”.

It’s a great line. I bet Poppy would have delivered it much better though.

Alysha seems quite confused that Chrystal isn’t snarling and writhing. Who is the real Chrystal? Well, it probably only matters if you want to date her so I guess that’s Arthur’s worry, innit?

Matilda is doing her best cute sarcastic routine with Art. She doesn’t seem very relaxed.

She says she’s not all that relaxed.

Alysha is pouting back at the party because she’s not getting any one on one time with Arthur and she won’t be approaching him tonight so she might not get a rose. Call me a rampant feminist if you must but if you want a thing, ladies, it is perfectly acceptable to go out there and make a play for it. I’m getting really frustrated with this. Grrrrrr.

Matilda rejoins her “Nice Girl Crew” but without a rose. She usually has one of those. Eeek. Could she be slipping? Maybe not top tier any more, Matilda. Egads!

Arthur approaches the other group to snag Alysha who goes in for the hand-hold but ruins it with “so…you finally came over” and gives him a school-marmish “naughty hand slap” which is pretty much on the first page of the “How to be Passive-Aggressive” hand book. She then tells him that actually she was not going to be going to him, she has to prove herself to him but he also has to prove himself to her. I kind of agree with the latter part but it was delivered through such a tense smile that it really did come off as a telling off. But “good start” Artie. If you are very good for the rest of class you may get a gold star for your chart OR a fondle of my boobs.

But she does seem to relax into things a bit after that and there’s slightly less teeth-grinding.

I have a theory that Art likes a bossy broad. He certainly seems to be responding to Alysha’s “I’m not doing all the work, honey” attitude. There is hand touching and then he goes off to get a rose. This is observed by Matilda who whines “why didn’t I get one?” Dani’s response is dead on when she says “Because you got fucking two, you selfish little bitch!” (this is of course interpreted through the beeps). I think Matilda’s had a few Lindy-loos because she thinks that’s hilarious. I know a drunk girl laugh when I hear one.

Art comes over and asks for Natalie’s hand in conversation. Art asks her about how she’s finding things and Natalie explains about how she doesn’t share much and never had sisters and emotional hoodeeehah. I dunno. There’s only so many of these navel-gazing explorations of emotional complexity that you can listen to before it all starts to sound like grownups talking in a Charlie Brown cartoon. But Art is eating it up and thinks it’s great whereas Natalie is cracking up from nervousness. Art goes to fetch a rose for her and tells her she’s made his night.

This causes insecurities to rise amongst the others. In her piece to camera, Matilda calls Dani as her biggest competition (BINGO) and she starts crying (BINGO).

Rose Ceremony time or as I’m coming to think of it the “Let’s get a better look at those dresses” parade. Speaking of outifits, Mike is wearing a floral shirt with a particularly pointy collar that makes him look like the concierge at a 1970s Hawaiian holiday resort.

Dani, Natalie and Alysha all have roses already. There are nine to hand out meaning one elimination.

Matilda gets the first rose. Then it’s Danielle, Poppy, Chrystal, Amanda, Shivani, and Kristie. That leaves Brigette, Carrisa and Hayley. It’s got to be Hayley going tonight. After all, SHE DID NOT RAP. Brigette gets a rose so it’s down to Hayley and Carrisa.

Arthur takes his sweet time with that last rose and, no surprises it’s for Carrisa.

Hayley makes her goodbyes and Arthur looks as miserable as she does.

As she leaves Hayley reflects that her Mister Amazing is  still out there. Yes, he is Hayley. His name is Slim Shady. You go get him, girl.

Next on The Bachelor: Urban Snogging For Chrystal! Girls On Film! And Someone Breaks The Rules!