It is the mid-1990s. I am an undergraduate humanities student at the University of Canterbury. One of my favourite pastimes involves sitting in the subterranean depths of the Mac Lab under the main library building wearing a stone wash denim jacket emblazoned with a small X-Files badge I got free with a comic book and indulging in my favourite obsession. That obsession, as you’ve probably guessed, is The X-Files.
This was my first experience of The Internet providing a platform for fandom. I was a frequent reader of, and sometime poster at, ATXF (aus.tv.x-files). For those of you too young to remember this was a “newsgroup” where you could post messages to like-minded folk. ATXF was a place to wax lyrical about the last episode of The X-Files that had screened (though being an Australian group timings were always a bit out for New Zealanders). It was sort of like commenting on a plain text forum.
There were sometimes “flame wars”. There were often limerick competitions. It wasn’t unusual to find postings about the interior decor of Fox Mulder’s apartment. Rewritings of pop song lyrics with an X-Files theme were common. I may have, at one point, penned one of these using Shaggy’s hit “Mr Boombastic” as an opportunity to wax lyrical on the first season episode “Squeeze”. This featured at series of murders committed by (SPOILER) a liver-consuming, hibernating, serial killer called “Eugene Tooms”. My version of the song, naturally included the line “Mr liver lover”. Thank you, thank you! I’ll get my coat…
I would apologise for how terrible this all was but the fact is, you do cringeworthy things when you’re in love. And I was. Obsessively. I watched and recorded every episode. I devoured any magazine article about the show. I read the comics (which introduced me to artists like Charlie Adlard who would go on to draw The Walking Dead). I collected the Topps trading cards. I wanted Fox Mulder to be my boyfriend. Sigh. Not to mention that Dana Scully got added to my list of Fictional Redheads I Wish Were Real (Dana, let me introduce you to Anne of Green Gables…).
I find myself reminiscing about this now, of course, because of the recent news that The X-Files will get a six episode reboot likely to screen early next year. Mike Kilpatrick blogged on this a couple of weeks ago and isn’t entirely convinced it’s a good idea. Given how underwhelming the later seasons of the show were, not to mention the two X-Files feature films this is, perhaps, a reasonable position to take.
But the formerly obsessed fan in me knows nothing of reason. She only knows “SQUEEEEEE!”
And of course this happened. Which also made me quite, er, “squee-ey”.
@GillianA I’m ready G woman
— David Duchovny (@davidduchovny) March 24, 2015
My strongest memories of the X-Files are of the great episodes, not the clangers (apart from the vampire episode that featured David Duchovny’s then girlfriend and I mostly remember that because I spent the whole episode wanting her to die immediately. Her character that is. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Her character. Ha ha.) So I thought I’d take this opportunity to share my favourite X-Files moments.
Mulder and his bile fingers: In first season episode “Squeeze” Mulder puts his fingers into a gooey substance only to have Scully inform him that it appears to be human bile. His reaction? “Is there anyway I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?” [shakes hand wildly]
Best deadpan in the business: In second season episode “Humbug” Mulder and Scully investigate a suspicious death in a town populated by circus freaks. Booking into the local motel Mulder notes that the man behind the counter is a little person (who coincidentally appears in the Red Room dream sequences in Twin Peaks, another favourite show of my from years gone by) and assumes he is associated with the circus which seems to cause some offense so Mulder apologises and promptly gets put in his place.
“Well, why should I take offense? Just because it’s human nature to make assumptions about people purely on the basis of their physical appearances? Why, I’ve done the same thing to you, for example. I’ve taken in your all-American features, your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design, and concluded that you work for the government… an FBI agent. But you see the tragedy? I have unconsciously reduced you to a stereotype, instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.”
Mulder holds up his ID and deadpans “But I am an FBI agent”.
Mulder’s sleeping arrangements: In fourth season episode “Small potatoes” Mulder and Scully try to track down a man with incredible shapeshifting and mimicry skills. At one point in the episode he locks Mulder up and assumes his identity going so far as to visit his home and work. While in his apartment, pretend-Mulder wonders out loud “Where the hell do I sleep?” echoing the question fans had been asking for years since Chez Mulder appeared to be without a bedroom. This was pretty much only funny if you were the kind of person who spent time thinking about the floorplan of a fictional character’s domicile. Which I was.
Ah! There’s a cockroach in my living room!: One of the great things about The X-Files was the way it gave you unexpected shocks. In third season episode “War of the Coprophages” Mulder looks into well, attacks on humans by alien robot cockroaches (of course). During a close up on Mulder’s face, a cockroach is superimposed over the action as is if is crawling across the TV screen. It freaked me out, big time. And we don’t even really get cockroaches in Christchurch. The cheeky buggers!
An inglorious end: In “Clyde Bruckman’s final repose” a psychic has the special gift of being able to see how people will die and is enlisted to help when a series of psychics are murdered. Bruckman, in an attempt to wind up Mulder initiates the following exchange –
Clyde Bruckman: You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can’t think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mulder: Why are you telling me that?
Clyde Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It’s none of my business.
Scully just being Scully: No specific episode, but just about every time Scully does this.
Because somebody has to. Because alien robot cockroaches. DUDE.
There are actually heaps of amazing X-Files moments that happened but these were the first ones that leapt into my mind. If you’ve got any please share them. Were you an X-Phile? Are you cautiously optimistic for the new series?
(UFO image © Copyright Alan Forbes and licensed for reuse under a BY-SA 2.0 Creative Commons Licence)