Recap: The Bachelor Episode 3

Has it only been a week since this kicked off? It feels so much longer. I guess measuring time in TORSO units, it’s about 3 months?

But anyway, there’s engineered romance to “enjoy” people, and apparently there’s a jawdropping Rose Ceremony (another one), one that made Dani do her sex doll face, so let’s get cracking (my guess is it’s when Danielle L’s criminal past is revealed).

And don’t forget, bingo cards at the ready.

It’s the second week in and already Art is starting to have “some really strong feelings” for some of the girls. He’s had an actual date with one of them only and the rest have been “chats” during parties or jetski rides.

At least that’s what I think he said because he was shirtless again at this point and that always makes focussing on things difficult.

Apparently he’s got some more adventurous dates planned for our lucky, lucky ladies so I guess they better gird up their loins.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but Oestrogen Manor is possibly the least interesting looking “mansion” I have ever seen (not that I have a lot of experience in the mansion department). It’s just a bit boring, you know?

Yay, Mike is here to remind the ladies why it is that they’re here. It’s to hear his pitch for a timeshare in Lake Tekapo! No, it’s actually a Scientology Cult Induction. Or is it a health retreat with mandatory daily colonic irrigation? No, actually it’s to spend time with Arthur. Everyone got that now? Good.

It’s a solo date card and it reads “the higher you go, the bigger the fall” and Matilda will be the lucky attendee (but we already knew that from last week’s promo). So off she goes to meet Arthur and he reveals they’ll be climbing the Auckland Harbour bridge. They don hideous overalls and hardhats. Even for someone as pretty as Matilda it’s hard to look bewitching in a shell suit and for once Art’s physique is similarly under wraps. It’s actually quite a refreshing breather from all the rippling and I think I feel my higher brain function returning.

Matilda feels that they’re getting along “sooo well” but if the snippets of their conversation we get are anything to go by it’s pretty lacking in chemistry. It’s very “ha ha ha, we’re on a bridge. Yes, yes it’s very exciting isn’t it?” sort of stuff. This is not Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn stuff, let’s put it that way.

If only there were a really obvious way to inject some excitement into this date? Like throwing them both off a bridge? Hmmmmm.

Back at the mansion the ladies are sunning themselves on the lawn. Is it a rule that they all have to do this at the same time? Because, what if you just want to sit inside and watch ‘The Walking Dead’? I have so many questions about how this Mansion For Wayward Girls is run, you guys.

In what I’m sure was a completely fortuitous and unprompted conversational turn one of the girls asks if anyone has a terrible date story. And finally we hear from the mysterious Carissa.

Her date story involves her suitor arriving to collect her having come straight from pig-hunting and still covered in blood with a dead pig in the back. Classy. Apparently the relationship did not progress after that. Brigette chimes in that it was just as well as he was “probably a pig anyway”. And everyone laughs like that’s the funniest thing ever. So maybe they’re drunk? Because that wasn’t a very funny joke. It didn’t even make sense because he’s the one hunting pigs. If you’re going to be “the funny one” Brigette, you’re going to have to up your game.

Jokes about bloodcovered pig-hunting suitors that are funnier than Brigette’s

• Don’t you just love a man who brings home the bacon?
• Beddeh, beddeh, beddeh…that’s all, folks!
• At least he’s not going to be squeamish if you’ve got your period
• That’s not the sort of pork I’m generally looking for on a date, you know what I mean?
• I can’t believe you got in a car with a dude who was covered in blood, Carissa. Are you nuts?

Okay, that last one wasn’t really a joke. But it’s still a pretty solid statement.

Back at The Bridge of Romantic Plunges, Matilda is getting nervous and the music is getting OMINOUS. But good on her, she swears before jumping and screams all the way down so we know she’s a more or less normal person, and Arthur is impressed, “she just went for it. I’m really proud of her”.

Ugh. A general note for dudes: do not express pride at something a woman has done unless you a) have a proper relationship with that person or b) actually helped or supported her in doing that thing. Because otherwise you sound like a paternalistic douche. I’m not saying Art necessarily is one, but it makes him sound like one.

And then it’s Art’s turn to bungy and if he swears we don’t hear it because of the SOARING HEROIC MUSIC we’re getting an earful of. He gets a proper dunking too (which I was SURE was going to lead to more shirtlessness but didn’t. WTF, guys?) and it’s high fives all round when he’s safely hauled back up to the bridge.

They then descend to a romantic, um, metal landing for a picnic. Look, industrial chic is very “on trend” now, so for all we know this is exactly what the inside of a chi-chi Auckland eatery looks like these days.

 

In her pieces to camera Matilda is thrilled with this date and is reading a lot into the fact that they both want to settle down, get married and have some adventure-seeking sproglets. It’s so amazing that their life goals line up so closely. Um, Matilda, this is ‘The Bachelor’. Everyone wants that. Possibly up to and including Mike Puru. It’s kind of the whole premise of the show.

Then Art picks up the picnic basket to reveal a rose underneath which Matilda is more than happy to accept. Art says that he’s had a really good time with her and he seems like he really means it. Which could be bad news for the other ladies who are still laying out on the lawn when Matilda returns, rose in hand.

She gets a very arch “what have YOU been up to?” from Brigette, and Dani, upon hearing that they’ve been bungy-jumping seeks clarification as to whether it was a “tandem” jump or not. Because if you’re really serious about a girl (on your first date with her) you jump tandem? Natalie wants to know if they kissed and Matilda confirms they did not. Cue competitive “Matilda is competition” type statements (BINGO!).

Another day dawns and we find the girls outside, crowded into an alcove for “morning coffee and chitchat” when Natalie arrives with a date card in hand. The card reads “she who hesitates is last” and for a moment I thought she’d misread it and was really embarrassed for her but it turns out it was a pun so, ho ho, full marks for reading skills, Nat.

On the date will be Brigette, Carissa and Kristie, which is interesting because Kristie went on the first group date as well. Amanda will be going and the last name is… (close up on Hayley who hasn’t been on any dates, solo or group)… Alysha.

I actually feel that’s a really mean thing to do. To single one woman out for zero attention and I’m sure that this will have been done specifically to create drama and make people feel sorry for Hayley and that pisses me off even more.

Meanwhile Poppy, who if you recall got the first solo date, is “finding it a little bit challenging to be placed in this polygamous situation”. That she signed up for. But fair enough, most people would not be down for the ‘Big Love’ vibe, even with someone way hotter than Bill Paxton.

Today’s Datees head off to a rural location which we learn is Rally Drive NZ and they’ll be…dum dum dum, driving rally cars. Which they seem really surprised about despite the big Rally Drive NZ sign Mike is standing in front of. And the rally cars parked around the place. And the “she who hesitates is last” clue. Come on, ladies, you don’t have to be a CSI to figure this one out. But they were probably encouraged to sound excited/surprised so I’m sure that’s the reason none of them could solve this complex mystery. But how funny would it be if they all just looked at Mike and went, “well, dur, you’re standing in front of a massive sign”?

A rally car zooms into view, does a bit of a skid through gravel and out steps Arthur, this time in overalls of an orange hue. It’s a big day for overalls, and actually this is the longest we’ve ever gone on this show without TORSO and I think I’m having withdrawals. Yuck. Excuse me while I go fetch some chocolate.

It eventuates that Carissa and Brigette can not drive a manual and they’re going to have to learn. Today. So there’s no way either of them are winning. As a non-driver myself I wonder if any of the women in this show don’t drive. Would they be left out of this challenge? Can Hayley drive? Kiwis are often in the habit of forgetting that not driving is also a thing.

Arthur has “organised” this date as a way of gauging the women’s competitiveness, and Kristie’s pieces to camera seem to confirm that she is indeed someone who likes to win.

Amanda is first up and seems to be having a blast, if the hooting is anything to go by. Next is Kristie and she is keen as mustard and Alysha rates her as her main competition (BINGO). Kristie’s expression behind the wheel is the polar opposite of Amanda’s. She basically has the cold, dead stare of some kind of brainwashed government black ops agent. I’m pretty sure they just put a blonde wig on Jason Bourne and let him at it.

Alysha is next and she’s more of a “hooter” in the vein of Amanda. And things don’t go so well, as she heads too quickly into a corner and spins out but she completes her laps and gets “good sport” brownie points from Art.

Carissa, the automatic driver, gets a bit of help with gear changes from the rally instructor but still stalls soon after the start but begins to get the hang of it throughout her lap and doesn’t seem too bothered either way.

Brigette, the other automatic driver, is next and her strategy is “to just wing it”, which it turns out is a terrible strategy because she stalls the car immediately. As in, doesn’t even move an inch before the engine cuts out. And then does it again. And then bunny hops for a couple of metres. And it’s pretty frickin’ funny. She manages to get around the lap but by the looks of things, it was not at high speed.

Then everyone gathers to hear from Mike, what the prize for this competition is and there’s that unfortunate juxtaposition of host and bachelor again.

Which is great if you’re selling v-neck tees and want to show people that they come in adult AND junior sizes but it’s not so great if you’re an adult male named Mike Puru.

The prize is to be the passenger in a rally car with a professional driver and take a bit of a spin up the mountain. Sounds like my idea of not a good time but Kristie seems especially excited at the prospect. Which is handy because she totally won. And she’ll get some alone time with Arthur at the top of the hill.

She looks like she’s having a blast on the way up and is pretty happy with the bubbles and nibbles with Art too. She does a whole “I have a wall up” speech to him that is, well, I don’t know, is that the kind of conversation people have on early dates now? It seems kind of rehearsed and a bit too knowing. But anyway they then have a cutesy will-he-won’t-he conversation about when he will give her a rose and you can almost hear Kristie’s brain screaming GIVE ME A ROSE! GIVE ME A ROSE NOW, GODDAMNIT! Although on the surface this whole conversation was very awkward this is the most flirtatious we’ve seen Art be and I still think Kristie’s probably his favourite. So he gives her a rose and you can see her visibly relax for a few minutes from being SO VERY INTENSE.

Later it’s fairylights time at the mansion and more cocktails. As much as I like a drink myself, I hope they’re offering some mocktails for these ladies because if not, they will all be internally pickled by the end of this competition.

There’s a great moment when the ladies first catch sight of Art entering the garden and everyone switches on their radar, but by the time he’s wended his way down the path to be within earshot they’re all doing that “ha ha haaa, that is soooo funny and we’re having such a good time and WHAT bachelor? Oh, there you are! Do join in, dear. We’re getting along famously”.

Except for Chrystal who, to camera, confesses she finds the cocktail party chit-chat a bit dull especially since she hangs out with all these bitches all day already. Fair enough, too. How many parties with the same group of people who aren’t even your friends can you go to before you start to wishing they’d choke to death on a canapé? Not that many if you’re Chrystal. She just wants to talk to Arthur so she just out and out asks if he wouldn’t mind spiriting her away from all this inane chatter (my words, though hers weren’t much less blunt).

Art seems thrilled by this idea and leads her away, much to the consternation of the other women. And she does the best head back “I am the queen” move as he agrees to spend some alone time with her.

“I was just about to kill myself listening to this,” she says, and Art confesses he was just about to ask her if she’d like to accompany him away from the group.

Meanwhile, again, all physical contact is being examined by the other women as Chrystal puts her had on Art’s back/belt area. Scandal! What next? Full sex, probably.

Poppy mentions that Chrystal looks like a supermodel and she does remind me quite a lot of Amber Valetta.

Chrystal decides that the only thing about Art’s beautiful face that she doesn’t like is the absence of her lipstick on it so she fixes that and is very happy with the cartoonishly red and perfectly shaped results.

There are gasps across the garden as this has been witnessed by the other inhabitants of Mansfield Park. Now that Miss Chrystal’s virtue has been so besmirched how will she ever make a good match? What if the reverend should find out, and what of her beau, Mr Thorrington of the Mounted Cavalry? One of the ladies faints and is taken into the second drawing room for some salts and to have her bonnet loosened.

Sorry for going all Austen on you, but um, yeah. Some of this really does play out more like Regency drama than something that’s set in the same century as wifi, online pizza delivery and international space stations.

What follows is some rather unattractive deconstruction of Chrystal by the other contestants. She’s just too pretty and that’s why she’s a bitch, is Danielle L’s summation, and Brigette who is on a roll with jokes that don’t quite hit the mark says she’d “be attractive to any male with a penis”. Which is all of them. Even the gay ones?

Ugh. This show is kind of terrible for the way it normalises and confirms the “women are bitches to each other” stereotype.

Having said that, Poppy has the funniest line of the night so far when she speculates what Chrystal might be saying to Art at that moment with “Arthur, d’ya wanna go halves on a baby?” See, Briggie, that’s how you do a snappy line.

Dani then gets up the gumption to do an interrupt on the Chrystal-Art lipstick decoration project and off she goes. Matilda urges the others to be quiet so she can listen but they are on the other side of the garden. There is no way you could possibly hear any conversation from that far away… unless Matilda is bionic. Okay, I just called that. Matilda is bionic. She probably didn’t even need that bungy on the bridge to get back up. Wow, this changes things up a notch.

Dani asks she can steal Arthur away for a bit. This was a poorly executed move by Dani. Once you ask a question like that, you give someone the power to say “no”. Also she directed it to the wrong person. So Art’s just sitting there awkwardly not saying anything, because Chrystal’s been given all the control and she’s not having a bar of it because WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE? If I’m eating a steak and you come and ask me if you can stick a fork in it and carry it away I’m going to say no, because I’m enjoying my steak, thanks so fuck off. Please and thank you. But actually Chrystal was fairly polite and (superficially) easygoing about it before deferring to Art because he isn’t actually an unthinking piece of steak.

“Ha ha, way to put me on the spot,” he says, as if these cocktail party interruptions aren’t a regular occurrence.

Meanwhile, to camera, Dani says “I cannot believe she has just put me in that situation” that Dani went out of her way to put herself in. Eh?

Anyway, Art tells Chrystal that she’s had her turn with the manmeat and it’s someone else’s time to play and she’s branded him with her lippie so it’s not like she hasn’t achieved anything, is it? He’ll be back.

So he goes off with Dani who is super chuffed and wants to wipe that lipstick off him as soon as she can. If she’d had a hanky I’m pretty sure she would have spit on it and and wiped it on him, and dimples are cute but so hard to wipe clean!

Amanda has since joined Chrystal to try and get some goss, and Chrystal eggs her to go and interrupt on Dani. She’s reluctant but Chrystal encourages her with a tasteful “get your balls out of your handbag”. FYI, this is my new favourite saying.

Unfortunately, Art has already left Dani to return to Chrystal so Amanda is left with a brief “intercept” convo and a “make sure you come up and see me later”. Timing is everything, it seems.

Dani goes back to the other girls and the “Chrystal is a bitch” party resumes. She misrepresents the way Chrystal’s denial went down so everyone jumps on the hateathon bandwagon. Woohoo! And this is why I’m glad I went to a co-ed school.

Dani then starts trying to get someone else to interrupt since Art has now returned to the clutches, CLUTCHES of evil Chrystal. Carissa would but is afraid “her eyes would be clawed out” because Chrystal is a large feline creature (BINGO).

Meanwhile there is some serious fixed long gaze stuff going on between Art and Chrystal. So the other ladies have reason to feel threatened.

In a surprise move, Shivani, approaches as Art and Chrystal head back to the party thereby pushing Amanda back down to second in the queue again. It’s a whirlwind of ladies making their plays tonight!

This leaves Chrystal to return to the group and face the Passive Aggression Gauntlet. Mind you, she gets the ball rolling herself when she addresses Dani with a cocky “thanks for interrupting, mole”. Unless I heard that wrong. Do people still say “mole”?

Dani admits to being scared of Chrystal and then Lisa chimes in that she’d had her go and “you don’t get him all the time, sweetheart”. “Sweetheart” meaning “bitch” in this context. Chrystal points out that she hasn’t had any alone time with Arthur at all to that point, somewhat flying in the face of everybody’s “why does Chrystal think she deserves more than everyone else?” narrative that’s been busy brewing since she’s been away from the group. But facts, schmacts.

Then Dani asks if she’s “upset that he chose to go with me and not stay with you, then?” which isn’t so much a case of her being concerned for Chrystal’s emotional wellbeing as it is an opportunity to undermine her in front of the group (much like the tandem jump comment to Matilda from earlier). But Art chose to return to Chrystal so she’s not bothered. Watching this is like watching a terrible train crash of a thing. I can’t look away but I don’t want to see.

To camera, Dani says that Chrystal definitely has two faces (and she’d like to slap both of them). Chrystal meanwhile doesn’t feel awkward around Dani though she does pull a goofy face (presumably this is the second face Dani is talking about?)

Whatever was discussed between Art and Shivani was clearly not very exciting because we see none of it as we’ve skipped forward to Art’s alone time with Amanda. He’s holding her long dress up so it doesn’t drag on the grass and she explains she not so much a Glamazon as she is more of a Bohemian type.

Then the softly spoken Carissa works up the nerve to go and interrupt and Amanda sidles away. And Art’s doing that “I’m so proud of you” thing again with regards to Carissa’s mastery of a manual transmission.  After about 30 seconds of chitchat (from our perspective) he excuses himself AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Number twos? No, a rose, dummies.

They return to the group and everyone seems as surprised as we are that Carissa has a rose. This prompts Hayley to try her hand and get a little bit of chatting time with Art but then Mike turns up to take him away before the Rose Ceremony so he can do his lady arithmetic in private. Which is a bit stink for Hayley.

So as we go into the Rose Ceremony, Matilda, Kristie and dark horse Carissa have roses. There are eleven roses to hand out so only one elimination/dumping this evening. So the cull is slowing. Damn. This thing is going to stretch on forever, isn’t it?

Chrystal gets the first rose. Both Danielle L and Dani are spewing. Next is Amanda, followed by Poppy, Alysha and Shivani.

Then, hmm, Art looks particularly angsty as he calls Danielle L’s name. Danielle rocks ups says she’s genuinely there to find love but doesn’t think they are going to get there. So no, she can’t accept the rose. And he’s like “whoooa”.

Art seemed really, really stunned. But, um, dude, this same thing just happened to you last week. So it’s not like it’s unprecedented.

Conspiracy Theory sidebar: So am I crazy in speculating that this Rose Ceremony occurred shortly after the producers became aware of Danielle’s 18 month stint in prison for theft as a servant and that she was strongly encouraged to bow out gracefully?

Arthur invites Danielle outside for a chat leaving the rest of the bachelorettes to make excited/gobsmacked faces at each other.

Outside, Danielle says “it would be disingenuous of me to continue on this journey knowing that I possibly didn’t feel comfortable with the age difference…for me.”

Art expresses sorrow that they didn’t get more time to spend with each other and he admits he is attracted to her and did want to get to know her better. This is a much more heartfelt send off than Rosie got so I expect he really did fancy her. So that means Arthur gets a taste of rejection himself, which is probably not a bad thing given the rather skewed situation he’s in.

And this means that everyone else gets to stay. Which prompts Hayley to speculate that maybe she was the one who was meant to go home tonight, but she’s glad to have the opportunity to spend more time with Arthur. Or “Ahfuh”. Hayley seems nice, but does she have much chance of being last bachelorette standing if she can’t even pronounce his name correctly? I have serious doubts.

But it’s a “lolly scramble” as Dani puts it, as the last roses are handed out, unceremoniously, en masse. Because with the tension gone, who the hell cares about doing them one by one? Dani seems really unamused by this.

Outside, Danielle wishes for Art to find the woman of his dreams and life happily ever after blah, blah, blah. And off she drives into the night.

Next on The Bachelor: Amanda gets a solo date complete with string quartet! Poppy might not be up for this any more! Women are described as having claws, and there is crying at the Rose Ceremony!

So, Chrystal’s getting some major character assassination negative ju-ju, huh? And do we really believe that Danielle L left of her own accord?