In November 2013 I started writing a blog post about movies and television episodes to avoid watching while pregnant. I never finished writing it because the next day we were informed that our baby would be arriving ahead of schedule.
As I know several people who are pregnant at the moment I thought it would be a good idea to finish off the post.
Last night the Silver Fox and I attempted to catch up on some episodes of SoHo show “Masters of Sex”. SoHo, for those of you who don’t get this particular pay channel is where all the shows with tits and bums live. Now that I think of it the majority of the shows that we watch on that channel have an above average nudity and swearing quotient. It’s basically like that Chilli “adults'” channel but with actual storylines and production values.
And sometimes dead babies, it turns out.
Whoops. We kind of blundered into that one and, er, that didn’t go very well. One minute it’s all tense human sexuality and reproduction related drama, the next minute we’re looking at a tiny little pretend dead baby, probably made of latex or something but still realisitic looking enough to give one pause…and it kind of ruined the rest of the episode of which there was thankfully very little. I’m sure it was meant to be sad but for expectant parents it kind of tipped over into “arrrgh, I can’t deal with this, actually”.
But this is by no means the only worrisome thing about how television represents childbirth and pregnancy. The thing I was struck by when I eventually saw a live birth years ago was how little it was like what I’d seen on TV and in movies.
[Having now had a baby I can confirm this. It’s like movies and TV don’t offer a realistic depiction of everyday life or something. *confused face*]
But there’s a difference between a heavily edited, airbrushed version of these momentous events…and those that make you want to hide behind a sofa cushion whilst singing gentle lullabies to your uterus.
So here’s my list of What Not To Watch While Pregnant
- Rosemary’s Baby – There’ll be plenty of time to worry that you’ve birthed the spawn of Satan once your offspring starts throwing tantrums because you wouldn’t let them use the iPad as a dinnerplate. No need to start the fretting too early.
- The Alien movies – I have a terrible sense of direction. What if I’ve passed this on to the baby, it gets confused and tries to come out the wrong way? Nobody needs a reminder of what that would look like do they?Any episode of ‘Bodies’ – This British series was set in a maternity ward and featured some of the most horrific birthing scenes I’ve ever witnessed, including the real one I attended. This will not instill in you a trust of the medical profession, let’s put it that way.
- The Fly – In one of the more disturbing dream sequences ever committed to film (even by David Cronenburg’s standards), Geena Davis’ character gives birth to a giant maggot and everybody feels ill and promises never to leave any food uncovered ever again.
- Season 1, episode 19, ER, ‘Love’s labor lost’ – Are they repeating ER on some channel somewhere? Probably. Avoid this episode at all costs. It had me in tears when I watched it in the 90s and I’ve never forgotten it so can’t imagine what it would do to me now. Dr Mark Greene attempts to deliver a baby in the ER and it all goes horribly, horribly wrong.
- Species 2 – The main reason you shouldn’t watch this is because it’s a terrible movie but it also features the sort of alien childbirth sequences that makes you wish chastity belts were actually a thing.
- Season 3, episode 9, Game of Thrones, ‘The Rains of Castamere’ – I watched this while pregnant, not realising what was going to happen. That was not a good thing. That was very much not a good thing.
- Slither – A meteorite riding extraterrestrial parasite invades a small US town (boo!) inhabited by Nathan Fillion (yay!) among others and takes over local resident Grant Grant (yes, that’s his name). He then “impregnates” a number of people who then become insatiably hungry and expand to a grotesque size (sound familiar, ladies?). Eventually they explode larvae everywhere. It’s the stuff of vivid, freaky pregnancy nightmares.
I expect that there are numerous other good examples to add to this list. Got any?
Originally published on Stuff, 22/01/2014