So I’m frantically trying to catch up on episodes after having a hectic couple of weeks of non-viewing. But anyway, this episode is called “Monster Swamp” which is a phrase the Sheriff used at the end of the last episode by way of describing the anarchic and violent nature of things to his son, Eugene. Hopefully that means that chaotic shit will go down but so let’s press play and see…
Well things are certainly starting ominously enough as in the opening shot we’re treated to –
- a seedy motel
- the schoolbus presumably driven by a pedo
- a shifty looking guy in a mascot costume
- a slumped, hopefully passed out, body on the footpath
- a spontaneously exploding streetlight
And that’s just the lead up to the main action which is a scantily clad woman who looks like she’s running for her life, and not doing a bad job of it considering that Ugg boots are not the footwear of choice for runners, as a rule.
She detours through a gap in a wire fence, but hasn’t lost the pick-up truck with floodlights that’s tracking her. She scurries down a slope and takes cover in some kind of drain or culvert, only to be shooed away by two other women who are sheltering there. WHAT? It’s like some kind of effed up sorority pyjama party in an agricultural setting. And yeah, I think things are going to get even worse.
Ugg boots is pelting across a field and, holy crap, there’s another woman running in the same direction who swiftly gets taken out by something…tranquiliser dart maybe? There was a short swooshing sound that didn’t exactly sound like a gunshot but either way she is down.
Ugg boots keeps running but she’s being pursued by at least 4 guys with rifles. She stops to catch her breath. NOOOOO, NEVER STOP TO CATCH YOUR BREATH WHEN YOU’RE RUNNING IN YOUR UNDIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN THE FOGGY OUTDOORS.
Ugg, indeed.
And she’s caught. She’s looking down the barrel of a gun and she doesn’t seem as panicked as she should, to me. Something isn’t right here. She asks to live and her FRIEND, whose name is Clive, shoots her anyway because it’s only paintballing. WE’VE BEEN HAD.
But of course, the writers haven’t finished having their fun with us because just when we think everything’s fine, if predictably sexist (the women have to run around in their undies, whereas the guys get to wear boilersuits – COME ON), nope, the rug is pulled out from under us as Ugg boots, whose name is actually Lacey, disappears into the ground unexpectedly with an echoing scream.
Not bad as far as opening vignettes go. And I am intrigued to know just where the hole leads to.
Following the opening credits we are in the church and it looks young and clean and hopeful as does its young attendant, Jesse Custer. He’s laying out bibles, using a carpet sweeper like my nana used to have, handing out orders of service to the parishioners and his dad looks just as pleased and as proud as can be because what a fine young man he’s got there.
Back in the present, Jesse’s company in the church is rather less esteemed and holy than it was when his old man was at the pulpit. Cassidy’s got something he needs to tell Jesse about and it’s hella complicated. Cassidy’s laying it all out, English blokes dressed as cowboys, there was a chainsaw, he cut them into pieces and buried them and Jesse is doing the “that sounds great, Sweetie, whatever you like” about Christmas plans because apparently these two have already progressed to that married couple phase where they don’t listen to a single thing the other one says, bless them.
And just because Cassidy is holding an innocent wee pipe made out of an apple, Jesse dismisses his ravings out of hand. Which, is pretty reasonable I guess but so fucking annoying.
In Cassidy’s opinion they need to hit the road and boy has he had some fun in Tijuana. That is definitely on the itinerary. It’s kind of cute that Cassidy has put aside his grifter inclinations and is actually trying to do his friend a solid rather than selling him out – not that Jesse’s helping much.
Elsewhere, it doesn’t look like things ended too well for Lacey, in that her gunk covered body is being winched by her feet out of a hole. Her friends look pretty upset and a bunch of dudes in Quincannon Meat & Power overalls look pretty shifty. Tulip is in the back looking moderately pissed off but she has resting bitchface so that’s just par for the course.
Mr Quincannon turns up, and takes a stance on a box, so I’m guessing the accident took place on his property? Donnie has apparently called in sick (last seen hightailing it away from a gas station men’s room, but they’re not to know that). He makes a short, uninspiring speech into a shitty microphone and amp even though there are only about 20 people there and none of them are especially far away. The content of his speech, upon the death of a young women cut down in her prime, boils down to guys, stop messing around and ladies, look where you’re going. And that’s about it. It’s no “I have a dream”, let’s put it that way.
Tulip is none too impressed, because I get the sense she doesn’t hold much truck with The Patriarchy, and this guy reeks of it. Tulip’s whorehouse madam friend is there, and why is it that nobody else cares that there’s a dead girl hanging by her ankles? Everybody else just seems to be “oh well…anybody want waffles?” and Tulip is obviously a little discomfited that this girl’s life doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Up to now Tulip has been fairly misanthropic so it’s nice to see another side to her – a “getting pissed off on behalf of the downtrodden” kind of vibe.
Speaking of women and unfortunate plumbing incidents, Jesse has stopped in on Emily and one of her offspring matter-of-factly announces to him that she’s “poopin'”. And that’s why an eight year old is the ultimate cock-blocker.
Poor old Emily’s still buckling up when she walks into Jesse in her living room and she surely does want to be pantsless with him BUT NOT LIKE THAT.
Plus her house is a total bombsite because she has three kids and a job so she starts tidying everything up like an embarrassed, overworked mum. I may have some experience with this.
Jesse almost certainly hasn’t noticed any of this. He just wants to talk about getting the numbers up at church. Would raffling off a big screen TV do it? Money for it? No, don’t worry about that.
This prompts Em’s suspicious nature – she fancies him but she knows his limitations – she’s so conflicted. Apparently he was seen breaking into pedo bus driver’s place and the next day his face is all bandaged. She worries about him. But Jesse tells her she doesn’t need to, not anymore and it’s an incredibly close up shot, so intimate it looks like he’s going to kiss her but actually he’s just removing a colourful child’s bandaid from her behind her ear like it’s a shiny new coin.
He’d like her to pick up the TV for the raffle but she’s doing a double, and thanks for reminding me about late night shopping, Jesse, but I have children? No worries, Jess’ll just ask Cassidy to do it and Emily can’t have that so she says she’ll get a sitter (at short notice) so that she can spend her evening running errands for Jesse. He really is an asshole. An asshole who has something “wonderful” planned for his flock beyond a raffle.
Cut to the church in days of yore and a completely different lady who is in love with Jesse too. It’s Tulip, showing young Jesse how to blow smoke rings…so badass at such a young age.
But Papa does Preach and that means he has to make an example of his boy so he gives him a good, loving Christian belt-whupping in front of his friends.
In the present Jesse smokes and reminisces on good belt-whupping times.
Cassidy is at the Sundowner Motel explaining that Preacher Custer is intrigued but needs more info about this whole entity removal process. What is it exactly and how do they get it out? With a chainsaw dear Cassidy, dear Cassidy, dear Cassidy. With a chainsaw. OR a favourite song, Winkin, Blinken and Nod for instance, then back it goes into the coffee can. Easy peasy. And yes, they are from heaven and they are angels but not the boss angels obviously. Which Cassidy is taking very well considering he’s a thing of evil, sort of?
And forget what I said earlier about Cass not being in this for himself, because he does, in fact, expect to be paid for his trouble. Of course he does. In drugs preferably but cash will do. He cleans out the short one’s wallet claiming he’s going to bring Jesse to them.
The taller one, Fiore (did he have a name before this?) pulls out an ancient looking piece of machinery because he’s not as stupid as he looks and wants to communicate further up the chain but his heavenly buddy reminds him that they’re down there without permission and it sounds like they’ll be in a whole lot of trouble if they get found out so they’ll just have to trust Cassidy.
Cut to Cassidy who has already spent the money on drugs and is having a positively marvellous time, thanks.
Odin Quincannon is in his office doing important business on his computer from 1995, playing a rather mindless looking game. We pan past a photo of his family and, not to put too fine a point on it but they look like total assholes.
He gets a visit from the Mayor who’s a tad concerned about the dead girl situation. The mayor is about as solicitous as it’s possible for him to be without actually offering the guy a glass of lemonade and a blow-job. From his perspective Quincannon is a power player and he’s clearly going to the trouble of trying not to offend him, on the other hand… what’s causing all these sinkholes, exactly?
But Mr Q gives him nothing and he’s done his duty just by asking… actual answers aren’t necessary and he’s happy enough to be leaving but then Quincannon asks him about Austin. Names a restaurant in that city and the mayor’s face is a picture of “oh fuck, what?”
Apparently the Mayor has been lunching with some business competitors, namely Jerry Cutler and Green Acre Group. They were mentioned in the previous episode when Donnie read out a letter from Cutler to Quincannon. From the sounds of the brochure that the Mayor just happens to be carrying around with them, they are more at the eco-agricultural end of the spectrum. “Soil sustainability” sort of sounds like the kind of thing that doesn’t lead to potentially deadly sinkholes, for instance.
Quincannon is not interested. Not only is he not interested he lays down a morality tale for the Mayor of how his family, specifically his grandfather and father, have dealt with business competitors in the past. The implication is both violence, and a willful ignorance on the behalf of the law, and everyone in town to acknowledge what happened.
The Mayor isn’t letting it go however as the town is in a downward spiral economically. Quincannon allays the Mayor’s fears by urinating into his suitcase all over the Green Acre brochure proclaiming “here’s to the future”. Yup, Quincannon is literally and economically pissing on the future of Annville.
Fiore is watching TV again, only this time it’s a commercial for the Big As Texas Burger, but which sounds a lot like the big ASS Texas burger. In truth it does look pretty enormous. Unexpectedly the machine he pulled out earlier starts to ring and his partner implores him not to answer it. Oh, but fakey, fakey it’s the actual motel phone that’s ringing. Fiore tells someone that they’ll be checking out soon and then leaves claiming that he’s hungry. We next see him ordering a Big As Texas Burger… from the motel reception, so that’s not gonna work. Instead he mulls over the non-food options in the vending machine.
The Mayor is enjoying wine at Emily’s house when she brings home a monstrous flatscreen TV. So he’s the emergency babysitter. Also, he’s cleaned. And no he won’t take any money for the babysitting. And she should take a load off and have some wine because she spends all of her time doing things for other people. So he’s basically the anti-Jesse and not just because he’s obviously in love with her.
Our Mayor-thario enchants Emily with his tales of constituents defecating on his driveway, and who wouldn’t find that disarming? Unfortunately he also has a laugh like a little girl. But it turns out, things are far less innocent than we thought. Emily directly tells Miles (he has a name, yay!) that she’s never going to be with him and I’d feel sorry for the guy except apparently he and Emily are fuckbuddies. Because she’s dropping her pants and heading to the bedroom with all the maternal efficiency that comes from trying to have a sex-life when you also have kids. But this is all on the downlow and apparently one of the kids nearly caught him last time.
Well, I did not see that coming. What a thoroughly modern turn of events. Good for her. And this scene is a nice mirror to the earlier one with Jesse.
Miles however does seem a little uptight and a neat freak as he stops, not only to empty and rinse the wine glasses but also to correctly align the kitchen chairs before proceeding to “liaise with his constituency” ie Emily’s nether-regions.
At the whorehouse from a previous episode there’s a gathering in honour of Lacey. Tulip takes exception to the bible passage being read because, as she puts it –
Lacey wasn’t called to heaven by fairies on a cloud, she was rundown by a bunch of cavemen with pop-guns and fell into a bottomless shit-pit.
But she’s not so much surprised at the men responsible, but more that the ladies would be involved, running around in their undies all over the show. One of the guys, Clive, who you may remember from such hits as “taking a steering wheel to the face courtesy of Donnie” from episode 2, takes exception to Tulip’s “girly go power” BS and pretty much reduces Lacey to a piece of meat (no small irony, given he works for Quincannon MEAT & Power). The Madam stops things in their tracks because if she knows Tulip as well as we do she knows violence is likely, and how about an hour’s worth of free sexy times for everyone! If this were a western it’s at this point that the piano player would start up again with a jaunty tune.
Mosie the Madam gently chastises Tulip for her temper and brings up Tulip’s mother who, it turns out, used to be one of the girls handling “boners and balls” as Tulip puts it.
Mosie goes to make tea and Tulip briefly tries to distract herself but the confrontation with Clive itches at her so she strides upstairs and beats the shit out of him, during which he falls out a window and she doesn’t even seem that upset until she realises that Clive is standing in the doorway watching her. So actually that would be Cassidy, who it seems is a convincing butt double for Clive, bleeding out downstairs.
Next thing we know Tulip’s cradling Cassidy with a wicked-nasty piece of glass jutting out of his neck as they race to the hospital. She’s panicked and sorry and desperate enough to even call on God to save this poor “innocent” man who she’s mortally wounded. Cassidy is pissing blood everywhere so you can understand why she’d feel that way.
So she’s got a heavily bleeding, unbeknownst to her, vampire in her lap who, would just like a little kiss.
Say what now? Well a dying man’s wish etcetera, why not? And, I think Cassidy has a little crush starting because he doesn’t even try to kill her.
At the hospital Tulip tries to get Cassidy some help but he does a disappearing act. She follows the trail of blood to a refrigerator where she finds him sucking down a bag O-Neg.
In Jesse flashback territory again he get’s woken by his dad in the middle of the night and driven to Quincannon Meat & Power. His dad goes into Odin’s office. Jesse waits outside and considers swiping a nice pen on the side table but takes a metal ashtray instead (all the better for smoking with, I guess?)
The conversation inside gets heated and as Custer snr leaves the words “Denounce him!” are heard. As Jesse passes by the open office door he sees something significant but we don’t see what it is. On the ride home his dad tells him some people just can’t be saved. Young Jesse is clearly disturbed by what he’s seen and digs the stolen ashtray deeper into his pocket.
Back in the present Jesse is in that same office but this time he’s playing soldiers with the resident of said office. Yes, soldiers. By the looks they’re recreating the Battle at the Alamo. Quite pally they are.
Jesse presses Odin to come to church. He’s been a non-attender for many years. Isn’t he worried about where he’ll go when he dies. Odin reminds Jesse of their agreement that he doesn’t talk about how his meat gets made and Jesse won’t talk about his magic man in the sky.
But what if when the time comes we’re all judged? Quincannon isn’t the slightest bit worried but Jesse obviously is. He could make Quincannon come to church but the older man points out that that wouldn’t be very Christian of him and Jesse almost looks like he’s going to lay the whammy on him anyway. But instead he dangles a carrot – Quincannon has always wanted the Custer land and Jesse will give it to him if he comes to church the next day.
It’s Sunday and if the full pews are anything to go by, news of the big screen TV has got around. Jesse’s sermon takes an unusual, you might say Devil’s Advocate, tack. The world is terrible. Shit actually. Yup, Preacher dropped the S-bomb from the pulpit.
And everyone’s to blame. They’ve turned away from the Lord and become distracted by other things, money, sex, love, even children. The Mayor looks decidedly shifty during all this. It’s actually a very polished performance and even Emily looks impressed.
Yup, Preacher Custer is going to bring them all back to God, starting with… Odin Quincannon. Will he serve God?
Nope.
Check, check, two, two, two. Is this thing on?
Will you serve God?
Still a hard no, padre. I’m outta here.
And then Jesse breaks out the Voice and of course Odin Quincannon will serve God. Yup, sign me up. The congregation looks suitably impressed.
At the motel, Fiore is eating some orange food-like snack and the other one is reading The Holy Bible, so that’s a party, right there. The phone rings. Fiore answers it…but it’s not that phone. It’s the other one. The hotline to heaven. They both looked suitably spooked.
So, has Tulip figured out that Cassidy is a vampire? She’s a smart cookie, I can’t imagine she’ll be as dim about this as Jesse. Now that Odin Quincannon’s turned over a new leaf what will that look like? Other than getting biblical with Emily what secrets does the Mayor have? And who’s calling from heaven and what are the toll charges like?
Hopefully we’ll get some answers in the next episode because, to be honest, this is all moving a bit too slowly for me. If Jesse were a more charismatic character perhaps it wouldn’t matter – Tulip and Cassidy are kind of carrying this for me at the moment.