Hi.
It’s been a little while since I last wrote. There are a few reasons for that, which if you’re interested, you can read about on my website.
But for today I’d like to talk about toddlers, specifically the way in which they are like Joe Pesci (it’s not just that they’re short with high-pitched voices).
My beloved offspring is now 18 months old. He’s walking and (sort of) talking and learning all kinds of neat things like how to spin round in a circle until you get dizzy and fall over. Some of the time it is just plain hilarious. We’re not laughing with him. We’re laughing AT him.
But here’s the thing – he’s also an uncontrollable psycho. With no warning whatsoever he can turn from delightful to frightening.
Before I had kids I was, of course, aware that toddlers can have tantrums. I’d seen them doing it in public places and felt a mixture of fear and scorn. Why is that child behaving in such a way? It must be because they had too much sugar/not enough discipline/crap parents/not enough sleep. And then I’d get on with my day and think nothing more of it. Sure, every little kid kicks off once in a while. No biggie.
What I didn’t realise, the terrible truth I was unaware of, is that toddlers throw a strop every day. Often multiple times a day. On bad days it’s more tantrum than calm. On good days my kid only has one minor wobbly and is happy (but mischievous) the rest of the time. Those days are great but the flip side is also true where there are a few patches of sunshine and a whole lot of “the neighbours are going to call the police because his screaming sounds like he’s being mortally wounded”. I usually have a glass of wine on those days. A really big glass.
It’s not unlike living with a small, emotionally unstable person who is prone to violence…because you’re living with a small, emotionally unstable person who is prone to violence.
So basically Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.
There are a number of memorable scenes in that film but one in particular reminds me of my darling boy at his current stage of “oh my god, you are terrifying”. No, not the “head in a vice” scene*. Geez, he’s only 1 and a half. What’s wrong with you?
It’s the scene in which Pesci’s character is in a restaurant telling a story and getting a lot of laughs, then Ray Liotta’s character says something appropriate to the context and benign like “you’re a funny guy” and Pesci turns, in the blink of an eye, from an amiable clown into a chilling psychopath (you can watch the scene here but I must warn you, there is a lot of swearing and immodest use of hair product).
I relate a lot to Ray Liotta in this scene. If you look closely there’s this mixture of confusion and fear in his eyes that perfectly captures how I feel when my toddler goes from zero to puce in under three seconds. Try as you might to reason with them and explain that dropping the piece of cheese on the floor isn’t really a good reason for having core reactor meltdown, there is no reasoning. There is no Dana, only ZUUL.
Yes, folks, I am Ray Liotta and I have no idea what to do about Joe Pesci. I’m sure we’ll figure it out though. Hey, at least none of us have access to firearms, so that’s something to be thankful for.
Any notorious cinematic psychopaths that remind you of your children? Please do share.
*A commenter on Stuff pointed out to me that this scene actually takes place in the movie “Casino”, which is weird because I didn’t think I’d seen that film but I guess I must have, huh?
Originally published on Stuff 19/06/2015
Featured image, public domain from Pixabay.