Since returning to full-time employment after having a child I’ve faced a number of obstacles. Most of them are The Master’s toys which are strewn from one end of the house to the other. But certainly the removal of daytime naps from my life has been a sad loss. And then there were the feelings of sadness that I’d be spending less time with the little guy.
There have been teething issues, of course. Some of them were caused by actual teething, some by The Master’s haphazard approach to daytime naps at his nanas’ but on the whole we’ve been managing the transition pretty well. Apart from the first day, I haven’t been that upset about leaving him to go to work.
However, I’ve noticed something since I’ve started work that’s beginning to really bug me. Every time I’ve met a new person (or more likely have been re-introduced to a former colleague since I’m back at a previous workplace), I’ve been asked about my childcare arrangements. In the last few weeks, I would reckon that upwards of 20 people have inquired about where my son is and who’s taking care of him.
I mean, what is that about?
I don’t think the individual people asking necessarily mean anything by it. I’m fairly sure they’re just making conversation, but the sheer volume of these inquiries in a short space of time has had the effect of making me a tad paranoid. Where IS my toddler? He’s probably being dandled upon a loving nana’s knee … but what if he’s actually been kidnapped by Colombian drug-running ne’er do wells? What then?
The thing is, none of these people are particularly invested in how we manage our childcare arrangements SO WHY MUST THEY KEEP ASKING? I am kind of sick of answering this question over and over and over again.
Because, guys, I really don’t need your nodding approval when I tell you that our son is cared for during business hours either by his dad or one of his grandmothers.
The “oh, that’s good” comments don’t actually make me feel better. They make me feel judged. I get the sense that you’re waiting for me to say that he’s in childcare so that you can be mildly concerned about “how that is going” but that I’ve taken that opportunity from you, so you’re going with a “mothering gold star” instead.
I don’t want or need your approval. I need my approval and sometimes I even give it to myself.
I also don’t want you to be worried that I “never get to spend any time” with my kid. Just let me worry about that one on my own, ‘kay? I GOT THIS. Because, FYI, my son likes to wake up EARLY, so we see plenty of each other. By the time I make my morning commute of, oh, 20 minutes or so, I’ve already been awake FOR HOURS. And so has he. Just hanging out. Being AWAKE.
But yeah, I’ve grown so tired of explaining where my child is during the day that I’ve taken to making stuff up. So should you be tempted to ask about my child in this way, first consider whether you’ve ever asked this question of any of your male colleagues.
If you’ve successfully managed to make conversation with them that didn’t include asking them personal questions about their family then maybe you could extend that courtesty to your female colleagues? Just a crazy notion.
Second, you should be prepared for me to answer the “where is your son?” question in a sarcastic way with one of the following:
– Roaming the streets, probably tagging something
– In my handbag
– It’s Tuesday so … Belgium?
– *looking around in a panic* S*&%! I knew I forgot something!
– Working in a coal mine
– Touring with J-Lo (he’s a backup dancer)
– I don’t know but I’m sure he’ll send me a postcard
– Locked in a cupboard with a “Tickle Me Elmo” and half a pizza
So, as I say, I don’t think anyone is trying to be mean exactly but I’m pretty much over feeling like I have to explain where my child is to people who may or may not ever meet him. If you have to ask something, don’t ask what our arrangements are, just ask whether or not we’re all happy with them, because that’s what’s important … right?
Have you ever asked a colleague about their childcare situation and would you reconsider doing that in the future? Have you ever had to run the “what are you doing with your kid?” questioning gauntlet?
Originally published on Stuff, 07/05/2015
(Featured image, Baby and pails by Ingvar Kjøllesdal, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license)
OMG this question drives me mad. For me the conversation usually goes:
Patient (im a radiographer): it must be nice being back at work. How many hours ate you working?
Me: 40, im full time
Patient (in THAT tone of voice): so, whos looking after baby?
Me: my husband, hes a stay at home dad.
This is always met with both amazement, and the comment ih wow hes so amazing to be doing that. That is when I want to throat punch people. I can almost guarantee no one would say i was amazing if I stayed home while hubby worked. Sigh.