BIG SWINGING BALL(s)!
Sorry, but I mean…
In voiceover our Bachelor Art points out that there are some of the Bachelorette’s he hasn’t got to know very well so he’d better do something about that if he’s going to figure out if one of them is his dream girl (looks off into mid-distance (BINGO)). It’s hard job but we’ve recently established that Art has balls of steel and is therefore up to the task.
It’s evening at Oestrogen Manor and everyone is just casually squeezed into the hot-tub together.
PARDON?
If there were ever a notion that these “group hangouts” weren’t entirely contrived then this scene blows it out of the very-heavily-populated water. This reminds me of the baths you shared as a kid with all of your siblings and a cousin or two thrown in for good measure. Except with adult women in togs.
Mike Puru hoves into view and it’s only his gayness that saves him from looking like a complete skeeze as he says “Hello ladies, you’re looking relaxed.”
Nobody looks relaxed, Mike. They are all desperately trying not to let their feet accidentally float into someone else’s crotch.
Mike has a Date Card and explains that the clock is ticking and the Bachelorettes really need to let Arthur see the real them. But NO PRESSURE. So Mike is pretty much just saying a bunch of crap that’s not true so far this episode. Liar, liar, pants on fire, Mike.
Brigette, who is not in the hot-tub and will therefore not get it soggy, reads the card. “Let’s head for the hills”. It’s finally solo date time for Southern school-marm Alysha and she squeals with delight.
To camera Alysha does something unusual and states that she really wants the one-on-one time with Arthur to see if SHE likes him (beyond him being a spunk and having nice manners etc). We’ve only ever seen women on this show say that they want solo time with Arthur so HE can see more of them, not the other way round. Which is kind of weird when you think about it. Unless everyone is just having trouble seeing past the GUNS and TORSO. Respect, Alysha. You go, gurrrrl.
Crikey! Someone upped the travel budget because they’re off to Blenheim! Art meets Alysha on the airport tarmac (presumably having ridden a luggage carousel into a secure area and commando rolled himself across the runway). Then it’s into a Mustang convertible (swish!) for a drive out to Wither Hills vineyard (mine’s a riesling, thanks). To camera, Art says that Alysha is very “strong and confident” and he fancies that.
FYI, this is the only first date scenario where you can lead your lady friend “down to the cellar” without her getting freaked out.
Mmmmm, wiiiiine. And they get to blend their own Sauvignon Blanc which sounds like an excellent way to get sloshed while pretending to be “creative”. They decide to make it a competition and have the winery dude judge later. It’s cute but competitive. There’s a lot of bravado and they do seem just a teensy bit drunk to me.
Art names his wine “the Southern Sapphire” after Alysha’s eyes. Which is really sweet but also…
The Wither Hills dude says both of their efforts are delicious, but then he would say that. It sounds like Art might have won.
Back at Oestrogen Manor, Poppy, Brigette and Kristie have gathered at Revlon Corner to let us know that there have been six solo dates at this point, leaving five ladies who haven’t gone on one yet. Thanks for helping us with maths, Revlon!
At the winery it’s lunchtime and Alysha and Art chat over their meal. Alysha really likes the other girls but misses her family and her dog. Art let’s Alysha know that Wills and Kate visited this room when they toured the country. Maybe their regal arses were perched on these very chairs?!!
Alysha upsets royalists everywhere by saying “They’ve got nothing on us. Wills and Kate? Who are they? Arthur and Alysha…” But actually, she does think it’s cool to be in the same room as royalty have been in briefly at some point in the past. Yay.
After lunch they go for a walk in the vineyard and then share some wine on some bean bags and a blanket, which if you recall, was how all the Dani snogging started that time. Don’t mess with a winning formula, I guess?
Art then wanders around a corner and comes back with a bottle of “Southern Sapphire” wine for Alysha who is really touched because it’s something sentimental that she can “hold on to”. God knows I like to have a good grip on a bottle of vino, especially when I’m necking it.
Arthur then goes back and gets a rose for Alysha who is happy to receive it. To camera he says that ever since he met her he feels like she’s been waiting for him to make the first move. He probably feels that way because last week she outright told him she was waiting for him to make the first move. So yeah, definitely go with those “intuitions”, Art.
Or maybe not, because after some “I like you, you like me” talk he asks if he can kiss her and she demures, saying she’d prefer to wait until if they maybe have another date? Which comes off sounding just a wee bit manipulative. But then, what isn’t on this show?
To camera Art says that he’s cool with that. Because if he didn’t he’d look like a major douche. But he also leaves it up in the air about whether he would want to go on a second date with Alysha because he’s only allowed to say vague things about the prospects of any of the women he’s dating.
Back at the mansion everyone is gathered together to form the Post-date “Did you kiss him?” Reception Phalanx.
Opinion is divided on whether Alysha “might of” (grammar crime, Dani!) snogged Art.
A little lesson in modal verbs. Words like could/would/might/should are modal verbs and they are always attached in a sentence to another verb (hence modal verbs’ status as a kind of auxiliary verb). “I should go”, “He might leave”, “I could scream”.
In English we have different tenses and one of these is the pluperfect. The pluperfect describes something that happened in the past and was a complete action. “He was leaving” is past tense but not a completed action. The pluperfect would be “He had left”.
When we combine this tense with a modal verb, we get phrases like “I should have gone”, “He might have left”, “I could have screamed” because had/have is the word we use to denote that pluperfect, completed action.
The word “of” is a preposition that is often used to denote possession. It is not an auxiliary verb. It has no function in expression of either past tense or completed action. If you use a modal verb like should/would/could/might followed by “of” YOU ARE DOING ENGLISH BAD. PLEASE STOP.
But anyway, back to the mansion. Alysha arrives, rose and wine in hand, and runs through the details of the date for the other Bachelorettes. Brigette asks about kissing and Alysha says that Art wanted to kiss her but she “politely declined”. Everyone thinks she’s mad. But it does prompt Matilda to state that Art is getting “a bit billy big balls with the kissing now”. Yuuuuup. It’s almost like she saw him earlier with that exercise equipment.
But she reckons, good on Alysha for denying the snog. Which of course she would, because she doesn’t want anybody snogging Art except her.
Meanwhile Dani expresses dismay about being “the house hussy” because she’s kissed him two weeks in a row. But come on, Dani has no real regrets about her Art-pash episodes. She’s only saying that because she feels like she has to, because you’ve only got two options, ladies, virgin or slut, madonna or whore. Nothing in between.
It’s another day and it’s time to find out who is going on the group date. Alysha reads the card which says “It’s time to bounce”. Dani speculates that it’s the place with all the “trampolines” which I will now be referring to as “tramp-olines” because apparently that’s what you are if you pash a boy.
Alysha Invercargills the list outrageously when she says “fuurrrrrst gurrrrl is… Brigette”. This prompts Poppy, in her piece to camera, to say…
Usually I am down with Poppy’s sense of humour but this just sounded like sour grapes to me. I’m going to assume she wasn’t picked to go on this date. Also, as someone who has big boobs, I can confirm it actually does make it more difficult to do physical things with the ease that less buxom ladies enjoy. So maybe hold off on the “big tit” jokes?
Natalie is also going on the group date (no opinions expressed about her tits by anyone), as is Dani, Chrystal, Danielle, and Kristie.
And, hello! We have a contender for best facials this week that isn’t Dani. Aka Amanda Trout-Pout.
Meanwhile Matilda has a good whine about “really wanting to go on that one”. Oh, Matilda.
So they arrive at “Jump” which is a big warehouse full of tramps, and then some stuff you bounce on as well. Ha ha! But actually it looks totally weird and I have no idea what the point of it is or how it works but it does look fun, I guess? Kristie, who we are hearing a lot from this episode, is pretty excited about this because as we are constantly being reminded, she is “competitive”. I know almost nothing else about her, actually. It’s almost like she’s being painted as a one-dimensional character. Hmmmm.
Mike lets us know that the women will be competing in a game of tramp-oline dodge ball. Is it just me or are there a lot of balls in this episode?
They separate themselves into two teams of three, with Brigette grafting herself to Kristie and Dani moseying over to Natalie and Chrystal, leaving Danielle as an add-on to the Kristie-Brigette twinsicle. The winning team will then compete against each other for the one-on-one with Art segment of the date.
Brigette, who we are also hearing a lot from, is keen to get some time with Arthur.
Kristie immediately becomes a Sergeant Major of Team Yellow, giving instructions to her team mates and trying to instill some form of “killer instinct” and “true grit” into them. Brigette doesn’t want to get hit and Danielle seems concerned that it’s a bit “violent”. So she’s got her work cut out for her.
Meanwhile over at Team Purple, the game plan is “get the ball, smash Kristie with it”. End of.
To camera, Art expresses the opinion that Kristie is so competitive it’s a little bit scary. If Kristie were a dude we’d probably all admire her “can do” attitude and leadership qualities. Or balls, because this is that kind of show. But we’re obviously heading for a Kristie take down here, so let’s see what happens.
It’s game time and Art admits that watching six women compete against each other for him on trampolines is “some of the most exciting sport I’ve seen in a while”. No shit?
Round one ends with Kristie and Dani the only players left on the…field? Dani catches a ball that Kristie flings at her which, based on what I’ve managed to glean of the rules of Dodgeball, means Kristie’s out and therefore a looooser. Team Purple will compete against each other in a slamdunk competing for the mini-date with Art.
So they just need to show a little flair and athleticism, like Art, who just casually ambles over and does a backflip, followed by a slamdunk. Piece. Of. Piss.
What a bloody show off
Chrystal is up first and she uses her yoga prowess to effect, doing a headstand at the end of the tramp with the ball tucked up her top like she’s pregnant with a watermelon (subtle), a roly poly, and then a bit of the old “mid-air splits”.
Next up is Natalie who has no idea about slamdunk trampoline choreography (What? Is that not on your CV, Nat? How uncultured of you), but does a bit of a backwards shot with NBA-inspired hoop-swing. Natalie clearly laughs a lot when she’s nervous and she just guffaws her way back to them like a giant dork. It’s “adorkable”.
Finally, Dani pops the ball down her top as well, bounces towards the hoop, grabs it, pulls her legs through it and hangs from it thereby allowing herself the opportunity to “score” multiple goals. It’s pretty impressive. Not graceful perhaps but cheeky and inventive.
It’s no great surprise that Dani is the winner. Kristie looks seriously pissed off as Art and Dani wander past hand in hand.
Back at Oestrogen Manor the other ladies are lounging and stretching in exercise gear. They speculate that Kristie might be really super competitive on the date. So just in case no one was paying any attention up until now KRISTIE IS COMPETITIVE. Please consider yourself hit over the head with this piece of information.
At World O Tramps it’s free funtime for Art and Dani who promptly sproing into a pit of foam cubes and settle down for a comfy chat. Art admits he likes everyone which Dani isn’t that thrilled about and Dani says that her having more time with him affects some of the girls. Some of them will be happy for her (WHY?) others will not talk to her for a week.
The rest of the trampolining ladies are sitting around and Chrystal remarks that it’s a competition and Dani won fair and square and good on her. Chrystal really seems to enjoy the competition.
Back at the foam pit there’s a bit of a kiss but no mega smooching and BUH BUH BUUUHM, no rose for Dani? Unexpected.
Cocktail party time! I feel like if they’re going to have this many cocktail parties they should at least pretend it’s someone’s birthday. Or get in a piñata.
Art arrives and asks if Brigette would like to chat, she would but doesn’t want to hold his hand as he leads her away. Which is fair enough, she’s hardly had any time with him but Arthur, who must be used to women just falling all over him at this point, seems genuinely taken about by this saying “I don’t know what was up with that”. Okay.
Then, when Art asks what she thinks of him, Brigette utters the line they’ve been using all week in the promos, “I think you’re a dick”. But takes it back straight away and it’s obviously a joke. Aaaargh. I can’t believe I got sucked in by those ads. Anyway, Brigette continues on in a mildly ribald way with Art declaring to camera that he loves her sense of humour.
Meanwhile back at the party, the Southern belles, Kristie and Alysha are conferring. Kristie wants some time with Art tonight but insists the she won’t go over. He’s got to come to her. So she’s picked up Alysha’s strategy.
Brigette tells Art that she doesn’t feel as close to him as some of the other girls do but that there’s definitely a possibility of something. To camera, Art says that he thinks Brigette is an incredible person but isn’t sure if there’s any romance there.
In another corner of the party, Chrystal, Amanda and Danielle are hanging out and Chrystal says “Who’s going home tonight? Kristie.” This opinion is based on how Art reacted to her EXTREME COMPETITIVENESS. But then Chrystal predicted Kristie would go last episode and she was wrong. If she keeps predicting Kristie though, she might eventually be right. Unless she wins of course.
Meanwhile Matilda, Carrisa, and Dani are all speculating that KRISTIE’S COMPETITIVENESS will see her gone soon too. This is all being laid on so thick, I can’t help but think we’re being set up for a SHOCK ENDING (I actually haven’t watched the end yet, so I don’t know).
Everyone watches on with great interest as Art approaches Kristie and asks her for some time together.
Kristie is really happy about this because she’s been wanting to ask him something for aaaages. Is it about his family? Is it about his romantic history? Does she want to know his thoughts on the Treaty of Waitangi?
“What are you like… as a handyman?”
I’m going to let Cate take this one.
Art rates himself, as it turns out, but not with cars. Which is disappointing for Kristie because that’s what she wants to learn. So she was asking in the hopes of being able to do a “can you teach me, oh wise one?” move. It was a reasonable move to try. Make the guy feel smart, ask him a favour, foster a paternalistic feeling. It didn’t pay off though so I hope you had a contingency plan in place for this conversational deadend you’ve backed yourself into.
Arthur meanwhile is none the wiser to any of this and simply declares her “staunch in a cute way”. Er, yes. Okay.
Back at the party Chrystal’s feeling mischievous and Amanda wants a bit of light to mildly violent entertainment so eggs her on to go and interrupt.
Chrystal: Kristie, may I steal Arthur?
Kristie: Are you going to steal him away from me? *shoots daggers from eyes*
She is clearly struggling with staying cool.
Anyway, Kristie defers to Arthur who says in a couple of minutes would be fine. Chrystal remains where she is for a beat too long prompting Kristie to reiterate that they need a minute. Chrystal saunters away with an “okay…wrap up”. Fucking hilarious.
Chrystal stands some distance away (but not far enough apparently) forcing Kristie to do an awkward, and obviously prepared speech that she’s “here for the right reasons” and “she doesn’t need a man but she would really like one” spiel. It’s very much the sort of thing that people say on these shows.
They walk away from where they were seated towards Chrystal who says, “Hi guys… I feel like a stalker”, to which Kristie responds with “definitely”. Touché.
Inside, Kristie dishes the dirt on Chrystal to Matilda, Carrisa, Dani and Alysha. Carrisa suggests that she should bust in on Art and Chrystal. Ooooh, that would be funny. I wonder if that will happen?
Chrystal and Art and heading back to the same seating area they were just at I think and they’re remarking on the cold. Art gives Chrystal his jacket to wear because men who eat Paleo do not feel the cold. But then, Chrystal IS in a strapless dress whereas Art does at least have the benefit of a shirt. They discuss the fact that the intensity seems to have gone up a touch and Art says it’s going to be really hard to make a decision later on in the evening. Chrystal is so confident in herself she just laughs away and says “good luck with that”.
If there was anything else of interest discussed we don’t see it as the next scene has Art escorting Carrisa away from the party for a chat. Carrisa talks about getting along with the other Bachelorettes and how hard it is when one goes. She bags on Chrystal saying just like her name, you “can see right through her”. It think this is the first time any of the women have actually slagged someone off by name to Art. I’m kind of surprised that Carrisa was the culprit, to be honest.
Back at the party Chrystal has determined a pattern, she believes, in Art’s selections for the evening’s chats. He’s talking to the ones he’s “not sure about”. That’s Brigette, Kristie, and Carrisa. Pretty bang on, Chrystal.
Natalie doesn’t want Carrisa to go and Chrystal says she just wants someone the absence of whom will make her life more comfortable. Which is fair enough. Chrystal declares Brigette “messy” and Kristie’s “annoying” so clearly she’d be happy with either of them gone.
Meanwhile Art has found Carrisa to be a bit quiet up to this point though she says that’s mostly about the situation they’re in. Still, they don’t seem to be hitting it off all that well. My call is that this is Carrisa’s last episode.
Art heads back inside and asks Kristie to accompany him outside. She asks for his elbow because she’s having shoe issues. If you say so, Kristie. The more I get to see of Kristie, the more her every move and word seems to be calculated. I dunno, that’s just the vibe I get from her.
But anyway, Art nabs a rose from the table on their way out the door and this is of course seen by the others, who are super excited for her.
I know I’ve said this before but I just don’t get why you would be happy for someone else to receive a love token from the person you yourself are romantically interested in. THIS CONFOUNDS ME.
Art offers Kristie a rose and she accepts it with a fistpump OF COURSE. I don’t know if Kristie is Catholic but I feel like she’d accept a communion wafer with a fistpump “body of Christ. YUSS!”
So yes, Kristie is a happy bunny.
Chrystal expresses some consternation that the only person who’s received a rose at the cocktail party is Kristie (and not her). Meanwhile Alysha encourages Kristie to go and show her rose to Chrystal which Kristie seems more than happy to do.
To camera Chrystal says that she’s sooo glad Kristie is staying so that she can “be bossed around by her for another week”.
Dani says that she’s confused because the two people she thought were likely to be leaving soon have both got roses so she has no idea what’s going on. Here’s what that looks like. Just because I like a Dani facial.
Rose Ceremony time and ruh-oh, there are eleven women, two have roses already and there are only seven to hand out which means DOUBLE DUMPING. And I’m like “yay, fewer episodes” and Chrystal is right there with me. She wants her competition gone just as quickly as it can be got gone.
Chrystal’s name is called first and Alysha is deeply unimpressed. She has a nervous habit of running her tongue over her teeth that someone who is an expert in body language would probably be able to interpret. It seems like it could be an aggression-masking gesture to me. Next is Natalie, then Dani, Matilda, Danielle and Poppy. That leaves Amanda, Carrisa, and Brigette.
And of course Amanda gets the last rose. So that’s Carrisa and Brigette gone.
One reason that this is no shock whatsoever is that we’ve seen pieces to camera from Amanda in The Phantom of The Opera Dungeon, wearing different clothes. This is obviously somewhere in the mansion and the dumped Bachelorettes don’t go there after they’ve been denied a rose so if you don’t see any intercut interview stuff with your girl there on Rose Ceremony night, wellll, she’s probably going.
And then everyone cries (BINGO).
Brigette and Carrisa say their goodbyes and drive away, both expressing the hope that the McDonald’s Drive-Thru is open late Mr Right is still out there somewhere waiting for them.
ohh…anxiously anticipating your recap of Episode 8!
Sorry, but there won’t be one.
See my post about why http://www.moatatamaira.co.nz/2015/04/11/breaking-up-with-the-bachelor/