Recap: The Bachelor Episode 4

Is it wrong that I’m still annoyed that this has to be on twice a week?

Anyway, as per usual we get a rundown on what happened last episode as well as a teaser of tonight’s offering.

It’s morning and Art is enjoying a run on the beach but there’s no TORSO, only GUNS.

This is a disturbing trend. It appears we have already reached Peak TORSO.

He acknowledges that The Bachelor is putting the bachelorettes into stressful situations and it’s quite good for him to see how they cope with that. Because let’s not forget that this show is all about making the ladies work hard for “love”.

Back at The Nunnery (Our Lady of Perpetual Insecurity), Mike has a date card. Dani reads it out. It says “let’s head west and just drive”. This prompts another of Dani’s impressive facials.

The solo datee will be Amanda, who is of course thrilled.

To camera Dani says she’s glad it was Amanda’s name on the card because spending some time together might confirm that “they’re not a good fit”. Dani’s constant passive-aggressive snark of this kind is pretty annoying. I thought I would like her (she gives great facial) but every time she opens her mouth she says something douchey. She’s clearly letting her insecurities do the talking.

And by the way, any time someone says “I’m glad bachelorette X got to go on a single date” they are lying through their pristine white teeth. They all want to go on those dates soooo badly it’s practically written on their eyelids.

But Amanda has the date and she’s heading off with Art in a 4WD that I’m assuming was provided by a sponsor, as are, I’ve learned, all the dresses worn at the Rose Ceremonies. This is actually a genius move and I bet a lot of those dresses are now on people’s wishlists, if not their credit cards. It also explains how all these women could have an endless supply of cocktail dresses. I’m going to assume they get their hair and makeup done too?

Amanda and Art chat a bit as they drive, while enjoying ice creams. This is so far the closest to a normal sort of date that we’ve seen, though obviously it’s not going to stay that way. They pull up to Muriwai Golf Club and this is Amanda’s opportunity to show just how dire she is at sports (also at some point she’s changed outfits). She is really, really terrible but this gives Art the perfect opportunity to step in and offer some “help”.

He helps her with her “swing”. Cheeeeesy. But Amanda’s enjoying it and gets a whiff of Arthur and it’s good whiffy not bad.

Back at the mansion, there’s the usual speculating and general dissatisfaction and Poppy admits that competing with all these girls for the affections of one fella is “getting a little bit weird”. No, Poppy, it always was weird. Wake up, sheeple!

Back on the date Arthur and Amanda reminisce about their initial meeting and that sparkly dress of hers (which reminds a bunch of women to order it online immediately). They’re now near the coast and Amanda would like to head towards the sea which they do, pulling up to small rise on which is a string quartet performing by a canopy in front of the setting sun and the beach. Aaaaahh. It is very picturesque. It’s very “movie” romantic.

They have a serious conversation about Amanda’s romantic history (we should probably hear some of his and some point too, right?). Amanda does come across as a very genuine character. Yes, she does want to have more kids but only if it’s the right person and situation. Art is very keen on having a family and seems to appreciate Amanda’s open nature. He runs down to the beach and fetches a rose from behind a piece of driftwood which she of course accepts.

Back at the house everyone’s in PJs and they are “concerned” about how late it is. The implication is that nighttime is the right time for makin’ lurrve. Or something. I think Chrystal has the right idea being a bit distant. Clearly spending time together just works everybody up into speculating and feeling stink. They feed into and reflect each others’ insecurities.

Then in walks Amanda with a rose. And so begins the “did you kiss him interrogation?”. As if you’re obliged to tell anyone this stuff anyway.

Again, Poppy has the best line.

Did you kiss him…on the face?

Everyone is very dubious and suspects Amanda is lying about what did or did not occur on the date, because this show is predicated on making women feel insecure and distrustful and then maximising it for entertainment.

It’s another day and Danielle is reading out the date card. “Follow your animal instincts” it says. The lucky datees today will be Chrystal, Lisa, Natalie, Poppy, Alysha and…Hayley. FINALLY.

It’s a zoo visit! And guess what? The alligator pond needs a clean! Get to it, ladies! Everyone dons overalls and gummies and Art, who has the GUNS on display again, yells encouraging things like “Great sludge-pushing!” Always the sort of thing you want to hear on a date, amirite?

Back at the mansion Dani, Matilda, and Carrisa (whose name I have apparently been misspelling) have decided that since none of the other top-tier girls are on the group date Chrystal will be happier than an alligator in muck. Firstly, they’ve conveniently forgotten Poppy, secondly, stop obsessing about Chrystal. Geeez.

To camera, Dani calls Chrystal two-faced again, even though up to this point we’ve never heard Chrystal really bag her fellow competitors, she talks herself up, sure, but that’ s not the same thing, whereas Dani seems to do a lot of it. Also earlier we saw Dani and Chrystal chatting and they seemed to be on very friendly terms. So if Chrystal is being two-faced she’s not alone in that.

Back at the date, Chrystal is not really attacking the alligator pond with much gusto and admits to camera to not really liking cleaning.

Booo! Hisss! Harpy! Burn the witch!

Then they gather for the announcement of who gets one on one time at the end of the date. Arthur has been very impressed with Poppy’s scrubber work ethic and they go off together to feed lemurs. This does actually look really fun.

The others gather to commiserate in front of the tiger enclosure. Ha ha. Because they’re like snarling felines themselves. Hilarious.

It eventuates that there’s a solitary male lemur surrounded by females and Art relates to that. We get some terrific GUNS coverage in this scene complete with veins. Eek.

He and Poppy name the lady lemurs after the bachelorettes and Poppy labels a naughty, demanding lemur “Chrystal”. There is soooo much Chrystal-bitching in this episode it’s starting to feel a bit ridiculous.

After lemur feeding Art and Poppy have a chat. She’s not really happy with the competitive dating situation. This seems like a pretty reasonable response to have. She thinks she might be quite into him but is constantly wondering if he’ll pick someone else to be with. She initially says that she won’t accept a rose from him. Art’s pretty disappointed with this because he really likes her. He encourages her to sleep on it and see how she feels.

With her concerns soothed a little Poppy decides to accept the rose in the meantime but she’ll have to think about whether she wants to keep doing this. It’s still pretty early on in this show and the chances of Poppy staying, if she’s already struggling, seem a bit slim.

Back at the mansion it’s cocktail time. Again.

Danielle sees an opportunity for a bit of alone time with Art so they go off together for a chat.

Back at the party chat about the upcoming Rose Ceremony causes Lisa to speculate that she might be going. Seemingly out of nowhere (editing?) Chrystal says “The only reason you’re still here is because you’re the wildcard”.

Whoa. That actually was quite bitchy. But knowing what we know about how Chrystal is being portrayed I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there was context here that we’re not privvy to. Lisa was a bit snarky towards Chrystal at the last cocktail party so maybe she was doing that again and Chrystal wanted to take her down a peg? Who knows?

Lisa responds to Chrystal’s comment with a head waggley (BINGO) “well you would say that, wouldn’t you?” and Chrystal follows up with an unrepentant “I’m just stating what everyone’s thinking.”

The fact is, Lisa (and to a lesser extent Natalie and Hayley) are the odd ones out in the group. Arthur hasn’t shown much interest in her and as a competitor who’s been voted on by members of the public, she was never going to be the first to go even if she was the least appealing (to Arthur). The producers just wouldn’t let that happen. So Chrystal might actually be right. I’d certainly been thinking it.

It’s also pretty convenient to have your “people’s underdog” competitor have a stoush with the one you’ve decided is the villianness of the piece. That’s just good television. So forgive me if I’m a bit cynical about how all this played out.

However, just because people were thinking it doesn’t mean it’s okay to say it. Chrystal knows that Lisa isn’t much of a threat, so in having a go she’s essentially “punching down” which is never a good look.

But Lisa’s a fighter so she’s not taking this nonsense lying down. “Playing up the bitch card, aren’t we?” The “bitch card” isn’t actually a thing, Lisa, but when you’re under pressure witty comebacks aren’t always easy to to come by so we’ll forgive you.

Chrystal, who is nothing if not consistent in her insouciance, just goes with it.

Lisa just called me a bitch. Don’t care.

You guys, I think she really means that.

Chrystal further ingratiates herself to the others by claiming to be “working her way down the food chain”. So I think we can assume she doesn’t really understand the concept of the “food chain” and we can also assume the subtext was “I will take out whomever I have to to get what I want”. Alysha wonders why anyone would want to be the villain in the house but I honestly think it’s weird to want to be besties with women who are after the same man you are. How the fuck does that work?

Danielle and Art know nothing of this carry on and are chatting about the age difference. She usually dates older, he has never dated more than a year older than himself. He’s 26, she’s 35. Ha haa haaa. But let’s not dwell, says Danielle. Good call, counsellor.

Lisa decides she wants to do an interrupt and Chrystal sends her off with the parting shot, “you need all the help you can get”. So yeah. No love lost there.

Danielle makes an exit so that Lisa can have one-on-one time with Art and they have a yarn. Lisa’s lack of any romantic history is explored a bit. She’s a bit scared of the unknown and generally ends up being friends first…but then she just ends up being friends. We then get a bit of Art’s romantic back story which basically consists of one serious girlfriend for 5 years that ended when they… had different travel plans? So he’s no great ladies’ man, our bachelor.

Dani then decides it’s time to join them and she and Lisa mention “the comment” of “someone” and how that’s generated some conversation thereby letting Art know that something’s up by not going so far as to tell tales.

Art excuses himself to go and find Poppy because he wants to know if she’ll be staying on or not. This is observed by everyone, of course. She’s feeling better and is going to stay. Art seems genuinely pleased. Upon her return, Kristie asks straight out what they were chatting about and Poppy tells everyone that she was thinking about not accepting a rose because she felt the more she likes him the more frightened she gets.

Chrystal is utterly unconvinced and in her piece to camera declares the whole thing to be a set up and a ruse. It’s almost certainly not but Chrystal hasn’t really been privvy to any of their conversations so I don’t blame her for being skeptical.

Then, miracle of miracles, Arthur asks Hayley to accompany him away for a chat.  This is her chance. If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted. One moment. Would you capture it or let it slip?

So yeah, Hayley wrote Arthur a rap.

Yes. A. Rap.

You guys, Hayley has terrible diction SHE SHOULD NOT BE RAPPING. And it turns out she can’t sing very well either. But it’s actually hilarious and disarming and Arthur loves it and runs off to get a rose for her just because YOU GOT SPUNK, MISSY. Far out. I can’t believe that just happened.

Hayley gets her rose and everyone is super happy for her. Which I don’t really understand because why do they want Arthur to like someone else, but okay.

In the other group Lisa is confronting Chrystal about her earlier comment. Where had it come from, she wonders? How many other people have agreed with her about the wildcard thing? Chrystal won’t say because it was her comment and not anyone else’s and she’s not going to drop anyone in it. Which either means she’s being somewhat classy or nobody said anything of the sort so there are no names to be named, but she was just stating the obvious AKSHULLY.

Lisa wants Chrystal to dig an even bigger hole for herself so baits her with “so you don’t like having me around?”

“I did really like your scones the other day.”

HA HA HAAAAA. CHRYSTAL IS THE BEST.

“Sorry, Lisa. I’m happy that you’re here and I hope you get a rose.”

Wait. WHAT? Far out, that was a bit nice. What a suspiciously fast turnaround.

But there’s no time to think about that because party-killer Mike has turned up to escort Arthur away so he can decide who’s for the chop.

Going into the Rose Ceremony Poppy, Amanda and Hayley are all bloomed up so that means 10 roses to give out.

Danielle gets the first rose, then Brigette, Dani, Shivani, Matilda and (hissss) Chrystal.

Whoa. Did Lisa just swear at Chrystal as she came back with her rose? Stuff was bleeped and I can’t figure out what she said but I hope it was “cunt”.

Next is Kristie then Alysha. Carrisa gets a rose, leaving Natalie and Lisa.

Natalie gets to stay and Lisa is gonesville. There are quite a few tears and Art looks a bit uncomfortable about it.

And it’s all a bit awkward because of the things Chrystal said to her but Lisa is composed as she’s leaving and seems hopeful that having put herself out there/run The Bachelor Gauntlet she’ll find that Mr Right out there somewhere.

Next time on The Bachelor: Arthur and Dani strapped into harnesses! A group date with firearms! And Art competes in The Hunger Games!

So it’s very clear that Chrystal is currently The Big Bad. I really hope the next episode has less bitching and more rapping, frankly. And you?