Oh, St Valentine. If you’d known about the deluge of heart-shaped trinkets, couples getaways, miniscule underwear and jewellery of questionable taste that would be thrust upon the world like a sweaty, unwanted suitor every year in your name would you still have performed all those clandestine wedding ceremonies(assuming that that did actually happen because,well, it was rather a long time ago and details are sketchy at best)?
Perhaps not.
But hey, that’s just the crass commercialism that seems to accompany every life event or minor milestone these days. If there’s not an effing ugly Pandora charm to commemorate something DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?
But cellophane-wrapped heart-shaped chocolates and tacky jewellery aside I do think it’s nice that we have a day that celebrates love. And romantic love, especially.
When I was single I kind of hated the build up to Valentine’s Day. All the advertising with kissy-face, simpering couples used to make me wish that spitoons and “hoicking as punctuation” was a thing not just confined to cowboy movies.
Actually, it still does (copper is very “in” now, a spitoon would really be quite “on trend). And here’s why – we’re being sold an idea of what romantic love is, and it’s not even close to being real. I know, I know. Advertising? Not real? Why, Moata, are you perhaps angling for a nomination in the “Stating The Bleeding Obvious Awards 2015”? Yes, yes, most likely. But sometimes it’s good to state the obvious, just to make sure it still is to everyone.
And I suppose I feel like it’s safe for me to go on this particular rant now since I have recently come into possession of an engagement ring so no one can accuse me of simply being bitter and jealous. (I am bitter and jealous, but of completely different things, like people who are “supple”, women with moderate-sized boobs, people who live in cities where the public transport isn’t completely rubbish. It’s a long list but I’ll stop there.)
Maybe somewhere out there is a couple in their eighties with 60 years of marriage behind them who exchange love notes and still go gaga at the sight of each other’s saggy backsides… maybe. But in the real world where most people live, the first blush of romantic love eventually evolves into something else. No, being together for years doesn’t rule out the possibility of there being a Big Romantic Gesture on Valentine’s Day (or any other day), but really, you come to appreciate different things entirely. They may be a lot less glamorous than a dozen, long-stemmed roses that cost twice as much as they do the rest of the year, but that doesn’t make them any less appreciated.
Great Things About Being In a Relationship
– Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self – Moles. Baby food stains in odd places you can’t see. Protruding nose hairs. Boogers. Massive chunks of dinner stuck in your teeth. Chocolate residue in the corner of your mouth. Eye crusties. Asymmetrical collars. These are all things a partner can keep and eye on for you. They can save you embarrassment, or in the case of a mole, perhaps even your life.
– Compliments – The Silver Fox tells me I look beautiful even on days when I by any objective measure this is obviously not true. But the great thing about compliments is even if you suspect they might not be 100% accurate it’s still nice to get them.
– Tag teaming it – When the baby is driving me to the absolute limit of my patience, this is when the SF steps in and rescues me and I do the same for him. (this approach can also work well with infuriating family members who aren’t in nappies)
– Oh, how we laughed – Making each other bust up laughing is one of the best parts of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. You know each other well so you know which references will find fertile soil and which will fly over the other’s head. Last week I left town for a couple of days, my first time away from The Master since he came home from the hospital and I may have got a little bit leaky on the way to the airport. Upon seeing my distress and without missing a beat the SF, in best faux sympathetic tones said “Awhhh. Stockholm Syndrome”. And then there I was laughing my head off even as big, fat, soppy tears of maternal angst were still falling. It was the best “going away for 2 days” present I could have asked for.
– Sex – Strangely lacking in Fifty Shades of Grey creepiness and yet still satisfying. Go figure.
– Complementary skill sets – I do very little cooking. The SF pretty much never vacuums. This is a fair and equitable arrangement that draws on our strengths. His is making food that tastes delicious and isn’t fish fingers. Mine is knowing where the vacuum cleaner lives.
– Being known – Knowing all the soft spots and weak points in someone else’s psyche… and not using them.
But then there’s the other stuff…
Terrible Things About Being In a Relationship
– Snoring, duvet-hogging, nightmares, and sleep talking – We’ve both been guilty of these over the years and I sometimes wonder if Bert and Ernie have it right with the separate beds arrangement…
– Remote control control – The SF likes sports. I have a weakness for home reno shows (judge me if you must, he certainly does). If asked we would both tell you that the other gets to watch what they want ALL THE TIME.
– Farts – Being in close proximity to someone else’s butt-trumpet can redefine the term “toxic relationship”.
– Different approaches – The SF hates queuing in a departure lounge and won’t join one until the last possible minute. I like to be orderly and not last. This topic has been more hotly debated than the right end to crack a boiled egg from.
– Fights – We have them. They are terrible and there’s nowhere to flounce off to because we both live in the same house.
– Being known – Knowing all the soft spots and weak points in someone else’s psyche…and sometimes, shamefully, using them.
The thing about romance is that it’s the happy, shining public face of love. It’s a bit show-offy and in your face because it’s the only part of a relationship that we really get to see, the rest of it being behind closed doors. It’s the photo you end up using as your profile picture but not the 8 you took that made you look both deranged and exhausted. No one really ever knows what goes on in someone else’s relationship and the chances are that some of it is bloody awful. People who love each other also hurt each other. It’s inevitable.
All we can hope is to be worthy of forgiveness, repeatedly.
Does the slick, glamorous version of love we see around us ever bother you? What do you think are the best and worst things about being in a romantic relationship?
Originally published on Stuff, 13/02/2015
(Featured image, Genevieve. (from a poem by S.T. Coleridge entitled ’Love’) from Te Papa Tongarewa, no known copyright restrictions. In post image, Pope Makes Love To Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, by William Frith, Auckland Art Gallery, no known copyright restrictions )