They warn you before you have a kid, or at least they try to, about the degree to which their bodily wastes will take over your life. The quality and frequency. The successful containment. And in some very unfortunate cases velocity, yes velocity, comes into play. It is exactly as lacking in glamour as it sounds.
And it is truly amazing how quickly you can become downright blase about it all. I no longer feel sheepish about taking a good long inhale of my son’s rear end in the interests of detecting a “code brown” situation. And upon sensing a certain moisture where there shouldn’t be any I have been heard to utter “oh, thank God. It’s only wee”.
Yes folks, you know you’ve turned a corner when being weed on is one of your better case scenarios. It’s right up there with “maybe I’ll get to sleep in until 6am!” on the list of “ways your life got flipped, turned upside down”*. To think I once used to be concerned with only my own toileting and excretions! What a narrow life I used to lead, unencumbered by the spectre of mysterious damp patches and telltale odors. What did I do for fun then?
Certainly not make a list of things my son has peed on.
List of things my son has peed on
His own face – This was just about the funniest thing ever. Mostly because he’d just peed on me and so my near hysterical laughter was fuelled by righteousness. And sleep deprivation. But mostly righteousness.
The floor, the couch, the nursery chair – Because gravity. Because upholstery. Because spray on carpet cleaner.
The bath, the shower, and paddling pool – I’m just assuming this actually. I can’t imagine that he hasn’t. I mean, even I pee in the shower.
Me, whilst in a front pack at the bus stop – This was the “stealth wee” that cascaded down my front like a warm waterfall, eventually trickling down the inside of my (blessedly) dark trousers. I dearly hope this is the only time I ride a bus while soaked in urine but public transport is generally the kind of place where this sort of thing happens so it’s probably a vain hope.
‘Lady’ the Merry-Go-Round horse,Caroline Bay Carnival – I watched helpless from behind a fence as an impressive amount of fluid trickled down the side of that horse just as the ride began. I told the attendant once the ride was over and he was either doing an impression of a deaf mute or he really, truly didn’t give a toss. In either event, I may never go on another carnival ride without first wiping it down. Sorry if you were the next person on ‘Lady’ but it was a warm day so hopefully it dried quickly. It’s no way to treat a lady, that’s for sure.
Ever weed on anything interesting?
*And I’d like to take a minute. Just sit right there. I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air
Originally published on Stuff, 8/01/2015